It's a Wonderful Life

Perspective

2012-01-12T14:11:00.002-05:00

Last night I walked out of the grocery store at 7:30. The wind hit me and I thought, "I HATE winter! I can't wait for spring weather."

It was about 48 degrees. I was wearing some soccer warm-up pants and a long sleeve t-shirt. No coat, no gloves, no hat because I didn't need them.

Complaining about temperatures below 50 and calling it "winter"...man, I love being a southerner!

Anna's First Beach Trip

2012-01-08T17:35:00.005-05:00

Last week we took Anna to the beach.

Here's what I didn't bring with me:
- Anna's bathing suit
- Sunscreen for Anna
- Sunscreen for Jamie and me
- Any type of summer clothing for myself
- Towels
- A blanket
- Anna's hat and/or sunglasses
- Beach-appropriate footwear for myself

Here's what we did have:
- The three of us
- 80 degree weather
- Aqua blue water
So basically everything you really need.

Anna was not a fan. The water was a little too cold and when we stuck her feet in she screamed.

The sand felt funny and tasted even worse.

And getting her feet rinsed at the showers was terrible!

But she enjoyed lounging on the picnic table in the sun while we brushed her off and got her dressed.

And was quite happy once we put her back in her stroller and she could play with her feet again.

Anyway, I can't have a kid who hates the beach so I guess this summer we'll just have to make several trips until she loves it.

Romance At Its Finest

2012-01-07T21:06:00.002-05:00

Tonight was date night. We passed a cemetary on our way to dinner and I asked Jamie, "You're not going to bury me when I die, right? What will you do with my body?" My thought was that I prefer to be cremated, but I wasn't sure we'd ever discussed it. And date night is a good time for serious, albeit morbid, heart-to-hearts.

Jamie responded, "Donate it to science."
Me: "But I don't want to be donated."
Jamie: "You'll be dead. It won't be your body anymore, it'll be mine." And then he laughed at the thought of owning a body.
Me: "Seriously."
Jamie: "I'm going to have you stuffed and mounted. I'll hang you above the fireplace. We've been looking for something to go there. I'll have them make your face like the wild animals people mount. In a snarl. Might make it awkward when I start dating again."
Me: "I hate you."

A few minutes later he hit himself in the face with the door as we left his grandparents. You know what they say about karma.

In case you were wondering...

2012-01-06T10:45:00.001-05:00

Anna did have a 5 month birthday and we did take pictures. I haven't done a post yet because our computer has died AGAIN and I don't know how to put pictures on this here iPad. But it's coming soon! I promise.

Christmas Gifts for a Four-Month Old

2011-12-20T10:03:00.004-05:00

I just got done wrapping Anna's gifts. With her sitting next to me for most of it. It all seems a little futile - wrapping gifts I bought so I can unwrap them later. But it also felt wrong to not have gifts for her (me) to open tonight when we do our family Christmas. So I spent the last 20 minutes wrapping gifts that I will spend 20 minutes unwrapping in a few hours. At least I got to write "From: Mommy and Daddy" on them, which was fun. And actually I wrote "From: Momny and Daddy". Still not quite in the flow with all those bumpy letters. I kept coming up one bump short on the second "m".

Jamie and I discussed how we would do gifts for Anna several weeks ago. It's important to us to raise kids who understand material possessions are not so important and that Christmas is not just a fancy name for Give-Me-Stuff Day. It seemed a little hypocritical to say, "Christmas is about Jesus. Now here's your ridiculously huge pile of presents, most of which you don't need and will only play with for a day or two." So we decided we'd do three gifts: something she could play with, something we wanted her to have and an outfit. We're also giving her a Christmas book and hope in the future to make a new Christmas book or movie a shared gift between the many members of our clan of mini-Hotalens.

Of course, a few days after we came up with this plan all on our own, I read on someone else's blog this little ditty: "Something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read." I've now seen that on approximately 39,000 different websites. Blogs, articles, Facebook posts. It's everywhere. Not only are we completely unoriginal with our gift giving plan, but we didn't even make it rhyme. I feel so dull and uncreative.

Maybe when she's older and figures out we're not the only ones who follow that gift giving recipe, I can convince Anna I started it.

Dear Anna

2011-12-09T05:15:00.005-05:00

As I've previously stated on many, many occasions, please don't grow up too fast. If at all possible, stay a sweet little peanut of a baby forever.

But please, please for the love of God and all that is good and holy in this world please let your mama get some ding danged sleep!

If you could grow up to the point of sleeping 8 hours a night and then stop right there, that would be perfect. Please and thank you.

All My Love,
Mommy

On a completely unrelated note, parenthood and insomnia do not mix.

Little Rebel

2011-12-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid we're gonna have our hands full with this one. She's already blatantly disobeying me. Every day I tell her, "Don't grow up too fast. Stay a baby as long as possible." Clearly, she's not listening.

I think I'm gonna have to ground her.

Da Nile

2011-12-03T12:32:00.000-05:00

I would be writing a post about how Anna is 4 months old today, but since she was just born yesterday that can't be so.

So here's a picture of my newborn who is never going to grow up and leave me.

Confession: I was straightening up the living room and decided to move her infant bouncy seat out of the way because she's getting too big for it. I set it in the dining room (where we keep all the baby stuff because we don't actually want or need a dining room) next to the cradle she slept in until she got too big for it. Then I looked at them sitting there next to each other and wondered how in the world she got too big for both of them already. Then I cried.

Confession #2: I got all choked up again typing that. I'm totally gonna be one of those moms whose 5-year-old skips happily into kindergarten without a second glance back at mom while I lose it ugly-style outside the classroom.

"They" Are Crazy

2011-12-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

"They" (whoever that may be) say no screen time until 2. No TV, no computer, no iPhone/iPad/iPod, etc.

"They" say it shortens attention spans.

"They" say it impedes intellectual development.

"They" have clearly never seen how hypnotic my cranky 3-month-old becomes when watching this.

The question is, who will tire of it first, me or Anna? I have to say I'm a little concerned that she starts fussing again during Statler and Waldorf's (the two grumpy old men; yes, I did just google that) scene. Because I'm not sure I can have a child who doesn't appreciate how hilarious they are.

Thankful

2011-11-26T09:27:00.003-05:00

I'm thankful...

...that the weather in Orlando was aboslutely GORGEOUS this week! Anna got to wear all the cute sundresses she has that were still too big when the cold weather came at home. And she looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. And if tradition holds, it'll be 40 and raining tomorrow so I have to soak in the sun when I can!

...that my former college roommate and one of my BFFs, Britt, lives at the ranch and that every trip to the in-laws has a visit with her beautiful family as an added perk.

...that my in-laws are the most welcoming, easy-to-get-along-with people EVER. Sorry women who whine about how awful their in-laws are - mine rock. It's always so easy and enjoyable staying here. It's almost as relaxing as going home. Almost.

...that against my best judgement I went to the outlets with my husband on Black Friday and scored some new Banana Republic jeans (my favorite) for more than 60% off.

...that my husband's family - parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles - all love on Anna and are so sweet to her. She's one very loved baby!

...that tomorrow while a part of me wishes we were still in Florida, I'll be able to start decorating for Christmas and planning our trip to New Jersey! I love the holiday season.

...that nearly every morning this week I was able to get up, feed the baby, pass her off to a relative and TAKE A SHOWER! Not just a quick one, either. We're talking long, luxurious showers where I got to do things like shave my legs and blow-dry my hair. It was bliss. And I am one happy, clean lady :)

One Creepy Book

2011-11-23T12:14:00.003-05:00

I've always loved reading and so I'm pretty determined to cultivate the same passion in Anna. So we read together throughout the day and she's already learning to enjoy a good story. Problem is she only has half a dozen books. One is a recordable storybook from Hallmark that her cousins made for her. It's so incredibly adorable that I can't let her look at it too often for fear the battery will die and the cuteness will be lost.

Anyway, I hate to just buy any one of the millions of children's books out there, so I've been researching a little looking for lists of the best kid's book. If I'm gonna purchase some books, they should be quality books. Most of them are pretty standard - Dr. Seuss classics, The Hungry Caterpillar, Guess How Much I Love You - but there's one that inevitably shows up on every list of great children's books that I just can't understand. Ironically it's by one of my favorite children's authors, Robert Munsch.

I love Munsch's books because of his quirky humor. In Alligator Baby a couple expecting a new baby gets lost on the way to the hospital and winds up at the zoo. Each time they return home it's with a different baby animal and they are sent back to the zoo by their older daughter to find the right baby. In Paper Bag Princess, a princess loses her castle and all her pretty clothes to a dragon who burns them up and kidnaps her fiance prince. She fashions an outfit out of a paper bag and outwits the dragon to save her prince. Then promptly breaks off their engagement when he tells her she doesn't look much like a princess in her paper bag dress.

They're cute and funny (and while I'm certainly not a feminist I appreciate the little dose of girl power in the Paper Bag Princess).

And then there's his quirkiest and by far his most famous book Love You Forever. You've probably read the story. A mom sings a lullaby to her little boy, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." It's a sweet sentiment. No matter how old he gets, he'll still be her baby. Any woman who's rocked her sleeping infant gets it. That feeling that you will always look at this little person as your precious baby, no matter how big they may get.

But somewhere along the way, the book crosses the line from awwww to eww!! She rocks him as an infant, as a toddler, even when she's rocking him as a 9-year-old it's still acceptable, although toeing the "ew" line. But when she creeps into his room as a teenager, you start to feel a little funny inside.

Then it crosses the "ew" line and keeps right on going until the line is nothing but a tiny speck in the distance. The son is now a grown man. And the mom is driving across town with a LADDER ON HER ROOF to sneak into his room and rock him.

Uhhhhh what??

First all, speaking strictly practically, this is impossible. When my grown man of a husband falls asleep a little too close to my side of the bed, it takes all my strength to push his full-grown self two inches out of my personal space. What kind of steroids is the woman taking? She's taking her full-grown, sleeping son out of bed and onto her lap in a rocking chair? That's amazing!

Aside from being physically impossible, this action suggests a definite psychosis in this woman. I mean really lady cut the cord! Can imagine if you were her daughter-in-law? Waking up to find your mother-in-law rocking your sleeping husband and singing lullabies? That's disturbing! You'd definitely win any "Listen to how crazy my mother-in-law is" contests among your friends.

What kind of therapy is this man going to require?

I can't help but think that Mr. Munsch is sitting in his home somewhere wondering what the heck happened. He writes quirky, funny, goofy stories. He probably wrote that one thinking "Oh this'll get a laugh" and now he collects his royalty checks as sentimental mommies read this book, go awwwww and buy a dozen copies. He's going "Wait, that was supposed to be bizarre and funny. A woman breaks into her son's home to rock him. As an adult! That's insane! Get it? No? Alright whatever just keep the checks coming."

Please moms, I beg you, cherish every moment of your child's babyhood. Look at them as adults and see your precious little baby like the dad in "Father of the Bride." But for God's sake, don't cross that line from sentimental to criminal and insane!

How to Handle Tornado Warnings

2011-11-16T16:12:00.003-05:00

Step one: Go on weather.com, look up the satellite map for your area; watch the scary red part get closer and closer to you. Begin to panic.

Step two: Walk frantically around your house looking out each and every door and window hoping that perhaps the tornado will have a neon sign pointing it out for you.

Step three: Get all the pillows and blankets out of your spare rooms and pile them in your interior windowless bathroom. Repeat step two.

Step four: Check the satellite map again. Continue panicking.

Step five: Gather a book, a flashlight, your laptop (still displaying the weather map, of course) and a water bottle. Sit in the rocker next to your sleeping baby's crib ready to swoop her up along with your gear and run to the bathroom if necessary.

Step six: Freak out at every sound assuming it's the approaching tornado. Repeat step two.

Step seven: Watch the storm pass harmlessly over you on the satellite map. Start to feel silly.

Step eight: Read the update on weather.com that the tornado warning is cancelled. Feel even sillier.

Step nine: Clean up the big mess you made in the bathroom with all the pillows and blankets. Remake all the beds. Continue to feel even sillier.

Step ten: Move back to Jersey.

Overload

2011-11-11T10:39:00.004-05:00

When I look at this:

And then at this:

I'm afraid the level of cuteness at the Minter/Hotalen/DeVol Christmas celebration this year will be too much to bear.

And then when I think about this...

I'm certain next year we'll all just die of cuteness overload.

Three Months

2011-11-03T23:48:00.007-04:00

Our baby girl is three months old already! She's becoming a real little person and is so fun to be around. Except when she's not :)

Mom, I'm like totally not in the mood for this today. Seriously.

This month she's...

Smiling a whole lot and even laughed once!

Becoming very chatty! She loves to talk with me and her daddy and has a large repertoire of adorable baby sounds.

Wearing cloth diapers! We made the switch November 1st and so far, so good. We have a few different types we're trying out and we'll be ordering more soon to complete our stash. We'll see if things continue to go well.

Showing some definite personality! She gets pretty mad at me sometimes, and I can't help but think it's funny!

Starting to recognize and prefer us over strangers. I know that will get frustrating in a few months when she's refusing to be held by anyone but me, but right now it's really sweet.

Travelling like a champ! We took her to our homecoming at Toccoa which was less than successful (cranky baby = cranky mommy; cranky baby + cranky mommy = cranky daddy), but last weekend we made the 5-hour drive to Tallahassee to see her Uncle Aron and Aunt Julie and she did great!

Sleeping! Yay for long stretches at night! She typically goes to bed very easily around 9:30 and wakes up once during the night to eat.

Loving her hands! She hasn't started watching them as I'm told some babies do, but she's definitely aware that she can grab things. She really enjoys her play gym now and will grab onto the toys hanging above her. She also loves to hang onto my hair and our shirts when we're holding her. She still likes her paci but in a pinch her fist will do.

She gets cuter every single day and we are having so much fun watching her grow!

Falling in Love

2011-10-19T12:58:00.005-04:00

I'll be completely honest: I didn't bond with Anna instantly. That overwhelming feeling of love some moms experience the instant that new infant is laid on their chest? Yeah, I didn't get that. I felt relieved that the delivery was over. I felt exhausted. And I felt like I wasn't quite sure who this baby they were laying on my chest was.

I have couple theories about why. Maybe because I was more than a little concerned that the midwife was hurriedly trying to stop my bleeding. Maybe because I was so out-of-it from the drugs. Maybe - and this may make me the weirdest person alive but... - maybe because in my mind this new little person didn't look like the ultrasound pictures. Of course, it's a very good thing she was not black and white, 2d and see-through. But still I had bonded with that little girl in the pictures, and this little person didn't look like her.

This might make you think I'm a horrible person. And honestly I probably would've felt pretty horrible about it if I hadn't read an article just before her birth about some new moms taking time to bond with their babies. The moral was give it time and it'll happen.

And you know what? It's true. At least it was for me.

For the first several weeks after Anna was born I kept worrying something might be wrong with me. Everyone else seemed enthralled by my baby girl. My mom and sisters couldn't get enough of her. The constant crying and lack of sleep didn't seem to be affecting Jamie like it was me. Everyone seemed to find this little person irresistable. And all I wanted was some sleep.

But slowly that started to change. Each day I felt more and more connected to her. And when she smiled at me for the first time? Fuhgedaboutit. I was a goner. In fact, that morning was a very frustrating one. Jamie was getting ready for work and I was sitting on the couch with her wondering if we'd survive another day home alone together. And then she smiled at me. And the angels sang.

There are definitely still moments I feel like I'm going insane. She's screaming, I've tried everything I can think of and she won't stop. I feel like walking out the front door and not looking back. But those moments are rarer now. Because now I'm really falling for this little person. I told Jamie it's just like falling in love. I can't get enough of her. I want to spend time with her. I miss her when she's asleep. I find every little thing about her fascinating. And I live to make her smile.

It took a little while to get there, and I feel like our bond is still growing day by day. But there's no doubt about it now. I'm head over heels.

Hello Bloggy World

2011-10-03T21:02:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to drop by and say...

Today is my 2-Month Birthday!

Can you believe how big I'm getting?

Last Stop - Mother Baby

2011-10-02T20:00:00.001-04:00

Finally by Thursday evening I'd gotten two units of blood, my catheter was out (thank goodness!), I was unplugged from most of my machines and IVs and we were allowed to go to the Mother/Baby wing and act like normal new parents.

The rest of our stay was much more enjoyable than the first 3 days had been. They were still watching my blood pressure, but I was allowed to get out of bed, shower (yay!) and take care of Anna. On Friday afternoon, someone from the pediatric unit came in to discharge Anna. She was ready to go home, but was stuck hanging out in my room until they let me go.

My dad, Shannon and Rebecca arrived late on Friday night and it was so fun having them there! Friday night my doctor wanted me to get a full nights sleep, so they gave me an Ambien at bedtime. That meant someone else had to be there to care for Anna, so Aunt Shannon stayed overnight with us. I think that policy should be instituted at all hospitals. The night before they're sent home, all new moms are given a sleep aid and made to sleep at least 7 straight hours. I enjoyed one last special night with my old friend Sleep, and finally on Saturday morning my doctor was happy enough with my healing to send us home!

Of course, our fun wasn't quite done yet. The following Friday I took my mom, my sister and my 9-day old baby to a doctor's appointment with me where they said my blood pressure was still too high and put me on medication. Medication which caused my blood pressure to go way too low making me feel absolutely exhausted and making me almost pass out twice (once in Target; it was a little humiliating to hang out on an armchair that was part of a display in the furniture section while my mom went to get me something to drink. People were staring). But finally I got off that medication and things started going much better! And now, minus the sleep deprivation, I can finally say we're doing great!

And there it is - the whole saga of how our little Anna made her debut and made it interesting!

The Antepartum Suite

2011-09-30T20:00:00.001-04:00

For those of you who are familiar with the term "antepartum" and are wondering what we were doing there after delivery, let me explain. The antepartum suites are right down the hall from labor and delivery and my doctors thought it would be best if I stayed close by for a little bit so they could keep an eye on me. At this point, Anna was doing great, but I was feeling pretty crummy. Most of that time is a little fuzzy in my memory, but here's what I DO remember:

I could not focus my eyes no matter how hard I tried. Everyone I looked at had two sets of eyes, one above the other. I'm still not sure if the extra set I was seeing were the upper or lower ones. I also couldn't read the clock, which was right at the end of my bed or see the TV very well. Oddly, I don't remember this annoying me. I think I found it kind of amusing.

Most of the rest of the day on Wednesday I just dozed on and off and enjoyed cuddling with Anna when I was awake. The lactation consultant came in and tried to get us breastfeeding, but that wasn't happening. Jamie wound up giving Anna bottles for the first 24 hours or so (happily, we kept at it and I can now say breastfeeding is going great!). Anna's nurse came in at one point to tell us she had accidentally been given two hepatitis vaccinations. How does that happen?? We were concerned, but were assured she was fine. Several different hospital staff members came in throughout the day to talk to us about it. At one point, her pediatrician came in to tell us they'd called the CDC to check with them, and they said everything would be fine. I think if I wasn't so out of it I might have freaked out. Seriously, how does that happen?

Wednesday night, Arri and my mom left and Jamie stayed with me and Anna. And that's when the you-know-what hit the fan. The first not-so-great moment came when my nurse told me I'd have to have ANOTHER catheter. Remembering how uncomfortable catheters one and especially two had been, I sorta flipped. I remember sobbing and begging her not to do it. All through the day I'd been having bouts of violent shivering. I didn't feel cold (although warm blankets seemed to stop it), I was just shaking uncontrollably. The shakes came back right about then, so I was a pleading, crying, shaking mess. It was ugly. Thankfully, this catheter was not as uncomfortable as they earlier one had been.

Late Wednesday night I apparently had some kind of reaction to the magnesium. The nurse later said my magnesium levels were too high. All I know is I started feeling AWFUL. I was dizzy, my ears were ringing, I was nauseous and I was sure I was either going to pass out or throw up. Maybe both. We called for the nurse and after a few minutes waiting for her, we called again and told her to hurry up! I can't remember if it was me or Jamie who hit the call button, but I do remember insisting she come quickly! Which is really not like me, so I must have been feeling really bad.

Shortly after the nurse arrived, I did get sick. It was horrible. I remember around that time telling Jamie that I felt so bad I just wanted to throw myself out the window. But I felt too bad to get up and over to the window. Which is probably a good thing since we were only on the second floor and a fall from there would have just caused me more pain.

Thankfully the doctor took me off the magnesium at that point. For the next 24 hours I got really nervous every time they checked my blood pressure. I REALLY did want to go back on that awful stuff!!

They decided after doing some blood work that I wasn't bouncing back from the blood loss fast enough, and so they started a transfusion. Also around that time the nurses decided leaving Jamie with me and the baby was asking a little much of a new dad. So they took Anna to the nursery for the night ("nursery" being a loose term since they don't really have a real nursery at NEGA; she spent the night in her bassinet behind the nurses station). Jamie was pretty relieved! He was doing a great job and was already becoming a pro at diapering and swaddling, but taking care of both of us at once was a little overwhelming to say the least.

At some point - the timeline's a little tough to remember - my IV infiltrated. I'd never heard that term used before, and I'm still not sure exactly what that means, medically speaking. As far as I could tell it means your arm swells like a balloon and gets really sore. I couldn't straighten it out completely for days.

My veins had apparently shrunk down into nothingness, so putting in a new IV was pretty tough. The lab people were also coming every few hours to draw blood and each time they had to stick me several places to find a decent vein. I felt like a pin cushion.

Between being off the magnesium and getting a little extra blood, by the time they brought Anna back to us at 9 on Thursday morning, I was feeling a little better. The nurses told me as soon as the blood transfusion was completed I could move on to our next stop, the mother-baby wing.

Delivery Day!

2011-09-28T20:00:00.001-04:00

Our second day in L&D started at 6:30am when my nurse came in to wake me up. She told me to take a shower and they would be back in at 7 to start the second induction drug, Pitocin.

I tried to get myself psyched up while I showered. I told myself my delivery could still go the way I wanted, even with the induction. Here's what I wanted:
- Hold off on the epidural as long as possible, maybe not have one at all.
- Be very proactive in moving my labor along by walking the halls, rocking in the rocking chair, etc.
- Not have a creepy dude deliver my precious daughter.

Let me explain that last one a little. I go to a very large OB/GYN practice. I considered leaving when I found out we were expecting, but ultimately decided I like my doctor too much. I stayed and saw my regular OB for all but a couple visits. However, I knew whoever was on call the day I delivered would do the delivery. So I was a little nervous about who it might be.

My first disappointment came early when I found out Jack was on call that day and would be delivering Anna. Jack the male midwife. Don't judge me, but a male midwife totally weirds me out. I mean WIFE is right there in the word.

On the plus side, Jack is what they call very "granola" and anti-epidural, so I knew he'd support me in having a natural delivery.

Except...

I had to be on Magnesium (aka Devil Juice) because of my blood pressure. And because of the magnesium, I had to have catheter #2 (this was about the worst thing ever; so so so uncomfortable!!) And because of the catheter, I had to stay in my bed. On my back. Just laying there enjoying the contractions. So walking, rocking, etc. were out of the question. We decided to go ahead with the epidural pretty quickly!

So day two looked like this - shower at 6:30, start the Pitocin at 7:00. Contractions started pretty quickly and were very productive, especially considering I was not dilated at all when I came into the hospital. By 12:30(ish), my water had broken on its own, my epidural was in place and I was 10 centimeters and ready to push.

At least my nurse said I was ready to push.

I on the other hand, felt way too drugged up and tired (a side effect of the magnesium and a pain killer they had given me when I was trying to hold off on the epidural). I asked if I could wait and the nurse, seeming a little confused at that request, suggested we try pushing for a while just to see how it went.

Here's how it went - I pushed for 2 stinkin' hours, couldn't feel what I was doing because of the epidural, and I don't think that baby moved one centimeter.

We took a break and the nurses left saying they'd return in 30 minutes. It was more like 45, and during that time my epidural wore off. I could now feel the contractions and was really feeling like I needed to get that baby out!! When they (finally!) returned, I pushed for another hour and finally at 4:45 our beautiful girl made her appearance. I was so happy to finally see her! Lots of people have commented on my pushing for 3 hours, but honestly that was the best part of the delivery. It was hard, I was exhausted, but it was nice to be doing something instead of just laying there in pain. And once all the after-delivery fun started for me, pushing seemed like a walk in the park. They put her on my chest and let me hold her for a minute before taking her to be weighed and measured.

Unfortunately, that's when things started to get ugly for me. I was hemorrhaging badly and the midwife was trying to quickly stop the bleeding. This mainly involved having the nurses press on my stomach with all their strength. Super painful! I also needed a ton of stitches and basically was not doing so hot. As far as the day was from my ideal, this was my biggest disappointment. My sweet baby girl was being cuddled, kissed and loved on by her daddy, Nana and Aunt Arri and I was unable to hold her. One of the things I loved about our hospital was their policy of giving mom and baby bonding time. Typically the baby is given a quick once-over to make sure they're healthy, wiped off and handed over to mom and they're given up to 2 hours to bond before the baby is taken for their bath and immunizations in the nursery. I was looking forward to that and was really bummed that I couldn't take advantage of it.

But our girl was BEAUTIFUL and healthy and I was so happy to see her precious face. Once they got me all settled we were relocated to our next stop on the NE Georgia Medical Center tour, the antepartum suite.

A Funny Little Story

2011-09-28T10:39:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was singing to Anna. She usually LOVES when I sing to her (she'll get over that as soon as she learns what music is supposed to sound like I'm sure). She was watching me and listening, pleasant and content when I decided to try "You are My Sunshine". I guess it's not my best piece, because as soon as I started to sing her lower lip started making its way out. As I sang, her pout got bigger and bigger until she finally broke out in a loud wail. It was hilarious to watch! I have to try to get the pout on camera. She just started doing it and it's so cute!!

Labor and Delivery - Day One

2011-09-26T20:00:00.001-04:00

Once I arrived at the hospital, I was taken into a labor and delivery room, told to change into a gown and then the fun began.

Because they were worried about my blood pressure, the put a cuff on me and set it to take my pressure every 5 minutes. Then they gave me a lovely plastic wedge pillow and told me to lay on my left side. Apparently this helps your blood pressure. It also gets really uncomfortable after several hours. This was also when they gave me the first of what would end up being three catheters. I won't go into detail, but catheter + labor? Not fun at all!

Jamie got there soon after I checked in and I was so happy to see him! (Actually according to his security nametag, the man who came to my hospital room was Jamison Ho Falen. But whatever, he looked like my husband).

The afternoon was pretty stressful. Every time someone came in, they told me something different. One moment they were concerned about my blood pressure and lab work results and were in a hurry to deliver and weren't ruling out the possibility of a c-section. The next my pressure seemed to be stabilizing and they were going to wait and let me eat lunch and then start the induction that evening. The back and forth was really frustrating! But by late afternoon they had decided to let me eat something and rest for a few hours and start the induction that evening.

Meanwhile, my mom had changed her flight and left right away, so by Tuesday evening she had arrived. Jamie's sister Arri was in Atlanta taking care of some official business for her teaching stint in Korea, so she was able to pick my mom up and be there with us, too.

By Tuesday night I was settled in, still on my left side (which was now mostly numb), just hanging out with Jamie and my mom in my room. We decided Jamie would go home for one last good night of sleep in our bed before baby, and my mom would stay with me overnight.

Before bed, they started the first induction medication, Cervidil, and it started working right away. I started having contractions and they decided to stop the Cervidil and let my body do its own thing overnight. It was a good sign that the Cervidil started working so quickly and an indication of things to come! Mom and I tried our hardest to get a little bit of sleep before the real fun started the next day...

The Doctor's Office **

2011-09-24T20:00:00.001-04:00

My plan for Tuesday August 2nd looked like this:
Doctor at 10:30
Target and Babies R Us to make some returns and buy some still-needed baby items
Home to finish washing and putting away baby clothes

Here's what actually happened...

I got to the doctor a few minutes early for my 10:30 appointment and was still sitting in the waiting room at 11:30. I was pregnant, hormonal, irritable and TICKED OFF when they finally called me back. When the nurse told me my blood pressure was "a little high" I had to try really hard to keep myself from responding, "Ya think??" I wasn't too concerned. She told me to sit and relax for 10 minutes and she'd take it again and see what happened. Ten minutes later, it wasn't any lower and they decided to put me on the fetal monitors to make sure our baby girl was doing ok.

After a few minutes of monitoring, the midwife came in and told me that the baby looked great, but that my protein levels were high in addition to my high blood pressure. High blood pressure + high protein levels = preeclampsia. I really didn't know much about preeclampsia, so I was concerned but not too freaked out. Until she said, "Once preeclampsia starts it will continue to get worse until the baby is delivered. So it's time to have a baby."

Wait...what? Like today? Yep.

I asked if I could go home and get my things together and she said, "No I'm going to register you here and you're going to go right over and get checked in."

Then I started freaking out.

But honestly I was pretty impressed with myself for not totally losing it. I answered all the registration questions ("Are you planning on getting an epidural?" "Umm...I don't know I wasn't planning on being induced a week early..." "Who is your pediatrician?" "Umm...I hadn't chosen one quite yet." I was very helpful.) On my way out of the doctor's office, I called Jamie. No answer. I tried again, no answer. I think I deserve some sort of award for not losing it at this point. I called his office and spoke to the receptionist who told me Jamie was at a client's. Dang it. I tried his cell phone two more times and still no answer. And I STILL didn't freak out, thank you very much. I decided to call his office back and get the number for the client and call him there. But when I called, the receptionist told me they'd already reached him.

Here's how Jamie found out about the impending birth of his daughter. He was sitting in a meeting with a client at her office when her phone rang. She answered and this is what Jamie heard:
"Yes he's here....his wife's in labor?....ok I'll tell him."
He called me right away and I explained I was NOT in labor, but I was going to be soon! He of course left his meeting immediately and headed straight to the hospital.

In the meantime, I called my mom who was supposed to be arriving at 3:00 the next day. She had planned to fly in a full week before my due date so we could get some stuff done before the baby came. Obviously Anna was not waiting for her Nana. The doctor had told me the induction could take a while and I'd most likely deliver late on Wednesday or early on Thursday, so I told Mom she could change her flight, but she didn't have to. She did.

So with both Jamie and my mom on their way, I headed over the hospital to have this baby a whole lot earlier than I'd expected!

**This is a long story and I didn't figure anyone wanted to read a novel so I broke it into pieces. I decided the easiest way to do that would be by location. Tune in next time for the delivery room :-)

Pictures of Our Cutie

2011-09-21T21:28:00.006-04:00

Anna loves being outside, so we've been taking her out in the backyard in the evening to enjoy the cooler weather. How cute are they?

Tummy time! Look how well she holds her head up. We're so proud :) And that expression cracks me up.

And last, but not least - it's not a fabulous picture, but I caught a smile! I love that she's smiling now. It melts me every time. And look how chunky she's getting!

The Other Half

2011-09-06T21:20:00.005-04:00

Anna got to meet most of the Hotalen side of the family this past weekend (minus her Grandpa). We had a fun weekend and Anna loves her family!

Uncle Aron

Uncle Shane

Aunt Julie

Grandma :)

Next month we're hoping Jamie's parents can both come up again for TFC's homecoming and Anna will get to meet her Grandpa!

Today we had her 2 month appointment with the pediatrician and she's almost 9 pounds! She's starting to get a little bit better about sleeping and has even given us a good 6 hour stretch a few nights. She's also started smiling at us, which is the sweetest thing EVER! And she will hold eye contact with us now too. It's so cute when she just stares at me or her daddy. I always wonder what it is she's thinking. We're slowly adjusting to being home all day just the two of us. Some days have been harder than others, but we're getting there. It's a big adjustment, but I'm thankful for the chance to be home with her full-time! How could I not be when she's so darn cute?

Pictures

2011-08-29T22:23:00.004-04:00

** Update: I fixed it! The albums were set to private so only I could view them. They should be good to go now.
I added 2 new albums to the Picasa list in the right sidebar. One has all the pictures from Anna's birth and first couple days home from everyone's cameras. I almost deleted all the scary ones of me but then I decided if I'm going to share her birth story (that post is in the works) you all will understand why I look like that. The other is pictures from her first month. Most of them are stolen from my mom's camera. Enjoy the pictures!

First Bath

2011-08-14T15:05:00.008-04:00

Getting undressed

"I hate being naked!!"

Me telling Jamie to put her in the tub, and Jamie saying he doesn't want to be the one to make her cry.

Before she started screaming bloody murder

All done!

All snuggly in her hooded towel

All better, warm and snuggly with Daddy

Combing out her lovely locks

All clean and pretty

The Living Definition...

2011-08-07T10:00:00.004-04:00

...of a dream come true.

Anna Marie Hotalen
August 3rd, 2011 4:45 PM
7lbs. 0oz., 20 1/2 inches

I'll write out the whole birth story soon. Warning: if you were planning on having children any time soon you may not want to read this one...

The Best Laid Plans...

2011-08-03T03:09:00.003-04:00

Remember this quote from my last post "when she comes on the 4th you may all laugh at me. Well get ready to giggle...

Tuesday morning I had a 9:45 appointment at my OB. After waiting almost an HOUR I finally got called back. The nurse said my blood pressure was a little high. I was thinking 'Yeah because for the SECOND week IN A ROW you left me waiting FOREVER to get back here. And I'm hormonal and irritable.' I figured I'd relax, get another reading and go home. Maybe with instructions to take it easy.

NOPE.

Instead they took a urine sample, put me on the fetal monitors and had me lay down to hopefully bring down my pressure. But the urine sample tested positive for proteins and though baby looked fine, my pressure stayed high. So I got what no pregnant woman goes into an appointment anticipating: "Go straight to the hospital. You're having this baby now."

Yipes.

I'm posting from my iPod and it's tough, so I'll quit now and finish the detailed story later. But big picture: I'm at the hospital now and baby girl should arrive in the next 24 hours or so. Wish us luck!!

August

2011-08-01T14:21:00.003-04:00

It's officially August. The month our baby girl will be born, and the month we'll celebrate her birthday for the rest of time. I can't believe it!

I said to Jamie last night that I figure she'll be born sometime in the next two weeks, give or take (I wouldn't be too surprised if it's closer to 2 1/2. My official guess for her birthday is August 16th. You may all laugh at me when she's born on the 4th). That's crazy! Of course, if she loves her daddy, she'll come either on or before her due date or after August 14th. He has tickets to go to the PGA championship on the 14th, and we're both really hoping he can make it! He came home from work last week and told me someone offered him tickets, but the dates were too close to my due date (actually, his exact words were, "It's the weekend you're pregnant." But I knew what he meant). I told him take them! What a cool opportunity! If she comes early and we're settled at home with Mom here to help, he's going. Or if she's not yet arrived, he's going. We worked out all the details to make sure he could get home quick if needed - a little bit tricky considering you can't have a cell phone on when you're at a PGA event. And since he has two tickets, he has a friend going with him and that friend has another friend on stand-by, just in case Jamie can't go. But like I said, we hope he can! We'll just have to wait and see if Baby Girl has the same goal.

I also realized last night that we're actually ready for her. There are still things I'd like to get done around the house (for instance, pooch needs a haircut REALLY bad!), but as far as baby stuff goes, she could come right now and we'd be fine. The nursery is about 98% done (stay tuned for a picture tour once my mom arrives on Wednesday; I don't want to post any pictures until she sees it), the carseat is here and just needs to go in the car. We have strollers, diapers, baby clothes and pretty much everything else we could think of to buy or borrow. Physically, this place is just about ready for her!

Emotionally, I'm not ready yet! I'm not ready for pregnancy to end, and I'm not ready to go through labor and delivery, although I did get all teary reading my books on labor and delivery and picturing Jamie and I holding her for the first time. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the ENORMOUS change that's going to take place in our lives. And as much as I dislike waking up several times a night for potty trips, I'm not expecting the sleep thing to get much easier once she arrives!

But ready or not, it's August and our little peanut is coming! I can't believe how fast this 9 months went!

2011-07-26T19:12:00.003-04:00

So I didn't have the best day. Not the worst day either. I was just kind of cranky. And really tired. But when I got home from work, our stroller had been delivered and there's nothing like putting together new baby stuff to cheer a girl up. Especially when the directions read like this:

"Let the front foot move forwards , till make the joint send out a "Ka" noise"(wait foot? This stroller has feet? )

"Waming: Don ' t open the safety lock while the stroller is opened"

"Put the back foot upwards" (feet again? I see no feet on this thing)

"Dial the safety switch off according to the direction, turn the handle off according to the indication"

Got it. Believe it or not, it's not the most expensive, top-of-the-line stroller. But I just wanted something super light and basic for now until we can invest a little more into a higher quality jogging stroller. And this one not only does the trick - once I figured out how to assemble it - but also gave me a laugh on an otherwise cranky day. So thank you, Chinese manufacturers for brightening my day a little.

Prepare to Hate Me

2011-07-19T17:17:00.002-04:00

If you've ever been pregnant, you have my permission to dislike me. Because I'm finding this whole experience SO enjoyable! I'm not miserably uncomfortable by a long shot. We only have 3 weeks left, and as excited as I am to meet this little princess in person, I'm so sad that it's almost over! I'm a little bit uncomfortable and miss getting a full night's sleep, but I doubt that's going to change after she's born. And in the meantime, I love feeling her move and feeling like we have this special connection. I'm sure there will be times after she's born when I'm BEGGING someone else to take her for a while and just let me be alone. But right now I love feeling like she's just mine. Jamie and my friends and family can enjoy feeling her kick sometimes, and I know they love her already, too, just like I do. But she's literally always with me. I recognize her little movements and I'm starting to feel like I know her. I'm going to miss this special time! I feel like it just flew by, and now even though I'm so, so eager to meet her I'm not quite ready for her debut. And not just because labor terrifies me :)

Getting So Close!

2011-06-18T17:49:00.001-04:00

Look at my little stork up there. He's really getting close to the end of that line! I can't believe our baby girl will be here in only 8 weeks! Sometimes it feels like I've been pregnant for such a long time and other days I can't believe it's flying by so fast! I have, of course, been terrible about blogging, journaling and taking pictures to chronicle this journey despite the fact that I was determined to do a good job! Oh well...I am what I am. And that's just not a journaler. Here's the 32 week shot:

I can't believe I'm going to keep growing for 8 more weeks! I'm feeling like I'll be totally immoblized by the end. Which is why my mommy is going to come take care of me...and clean my house for me. Right, Mommy?? I actually have had a bit of a nesting urge lately and feel like I MUST organize every closet, cabinet and drawer in the house. Unfortunately, I haven't felt an uncontrollable urge to vacuum. So if you come to my house, please look at my ultra-organized master closet before you judge my disgusting floors too harshly. And remember, these carpets are getting torn out soon anyway. Speaking of, I highly recommend painting your house right before you get the carpets replaced. It's so freeing to not lay a drop cloth down and drip paint on the floor. I felt so wild and crazy. We really live on the edge around here.

A Much Needed Update

2011-06-06T17:18:00.005-04:00

I know it's been forever. And you're probably dying to know what I look like these days. A line from the Gaston song from Beauty and the Beast sums it up best...

"I'm roughly the size of a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!"

That's the belly these days - growing ever bigger. Baby girl is still right on track and doing great. I'm the most boring OB patient ever. Everything is always right where it should be measurements-wise and I never have any complaints or concerns. Which is exactly how we want it.

So clearly Baby Girl is growing a whole lot. There's been some other big changes here as well. We've taken EVERY BLESSSED THING out of the nursery and created a home office space in our sunroom (which I'm not allowed to show you, because my adorable husband is really excited to have my mom see the house looking so different next time she comes down; he doesn't want me to ruin the surprise by posting pictures). We've primed the nursery and are going tonight to get some of those nifty little sample size paints to try out a couple of colors on the wall. The installer comes tomorrow to get official measurements for our new carpet which should be going in soon after. Jamie is apparently nesting, because in the last few weeks he's begun a major overhaul of our frontyard, a project that in my opinion could most definitely wait until after the baby's here. But I'm not going to stop him! If you come to visit this fall and see a very torn up lawn, you'll know it's because the little one arrived before his projects could be completed. We've also acquired a new pet. I call him Louie:

Neither of us is too freaked out by snakes and this kind is rather harmless, so we let him live. Plus, we're hoping he'll keep mice away and maybe also deter mama birds and bunnies from building their homes in our lawn. I much prefer seeing a snake in my yard from time to time than constantly having to rescue baby animals from Kona.

One last big news item: Baby Girl finally has a real name! I thought we might never decide, but we finally did! And now you just have to wait 10 more weeks to find out what it is :)

Typical

2011-05-31T16:35:00.002-04:00

Why living with my husband is so much fun:

On Saturday, I had a home study visit with a family in Buckhead, a neighborhood in north Atlanta. I dropped Jamie off at a nearby Starbucks so he could read while I met with my family and afterwards, the two of us headed down to Ikea to look for bookshelves. We needed bookshelves for two reasons: one, we have a ton of books and have kept them in boxes in what will soon be the nursery since moving here in '08; two, we (rather, I) would like to create a playroom in the main living area of our house to keep baby toys in. Now, in my recollections, Jamie and I had discussed the need for two different sets of bookshelves and our trip to Ikea for that purpose. Apparently, we had not.

We get to Ikea and decide to eat lunch first. We spent $8 on two meatball plates and drank water - typical for a Hotalen "date". We shopped for a couple hours, debated over shelves, selected (or so I thought) the best shelves for our purposes, wrote down the important identifying info and headed to the merchandise pick-up area to get our shelves, pay and head home.

But in typical fashion, once we got to the merchandiser pick-up area, Jamie, bless his frugal little heart, couldn't commit to any shelves. We hadn't shopped around enough. What if there were cheaper shelves at Wal-Mart or Target? Finally realizing his hormonal wife was going to lose her mind if we went home emptyhanded, he agreed to purchase the shelves for our home office area only, not for the toy room. Now both thoroughly cranky, we pay and head out to the car. Only to discover that our purchases do not fit in a Camry - no way, no how. So Jamie decides the only logical thing to do is return them and forget about it. And we head home emptyhanded. And, on my part anyway, pretty irritated.

And that was Saturday.

Sunday, Jamie decides we'll go ahead and do some comparison shopping and if we can't find any cheaper shelves, we'll return to Ikea. Guess where we wound up? Now Ikea runs a special from time to time where you can eat for free if you spend more than $100 on furniture. When you checkout, you present your cafe receipt and the price of your food is deducted from the price of your furniture. Jamie, never one to miss a deal, decides to take full advantage of this offer. Remember our $8 meatball and water meals from the day before? This time, we spent almost $30. On food. For just the two of us. Jamie was hilarious. He got a softdrink and an orange juice; a meal, a salad, a dessert. He insisted I load up as well. Anything I'd ever wanted to try at Ikea, go for it! After all, it's free! You have to have witnessed Jamie's tightfistedness firsthand to really understand how funny it was to watch him but trust me, the amount of food was obcene.

We got the shelves for the office area, but not the playroom knowing we could never fit them all in the car. We'd brought the Saturn this time, hoping the station wagon would give us more room. It worked, but it wasn't easy! The boxes stretched all the way from the back windshield to between the front seats. My job all the way home was to keep them from falling on Jamie and making us crash when he turned left. We drove home laughing about how ridiculous this was. And once home had a fun time putting them together and getting them up in our new office.

Two full days spent shopping at Ikea...oh, Jamie, you keep life interesting!

100 Days!

2011-05-02T17:46:00.002-04:00

We are officially 100 days away from our due date today! Not that I expect this little girl to come on her due date. In fact, I have a very strong feeling that she'll be significantly later than August 10th. But we'll see! I've been wrong before. And though I'm sure I'll get impatient - and probably uncomfortable - waiting for her, I'm also sure she'll be more than worth the wait!

We're still mulling over the whole name thing. I'm hoping we'll settle on one in the next month or so and then I can start giving you all some clues and letting you guess what her name might be. Yes, we are going to be one of those couples who keep everyone in suspense until the baby's born. You'll just have to be patient!

This weekend, my parents made an impromptu trip to Georgia to see us. And my mom and I made an unscheduled trip to the OB to see the baby. After a few weeks of feeling her doing all sorts of acrobatics I noticed a significant drop in her movements. I felt her kick only once on Thursday afternoon and evening and not at all on Friday. I started to get a little worried! But I was pretty proud of myself for not losing it. I ate a sugary, caffeinated breakfast Friday morning, and when that didn't get her going I called my OB. They had me come in and did an ultrasound. Everything was fine of course. I guess she was just not feeling like working too hard! I was a little worried, and so relieved to hear everything was fine. And it was nice to have an unscheduled peek at my little one! She's doing great and weighs 1lb. 11oz. now. Only 100 days (give or take :) ) until we meet her!

Celebrating Easter

2011-04-26T17:15:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about our traditions as a couple. We don't have too many, but we've tried to establish some, because I think they're important. Not just for us, but for our kids. Traditions make people feel like part of group and build a sense of connection and shared memories in a family. So I want our children to have traditions that are just ours. We've got some pretty good Christmas and Thanksgiving traditions and my little book that I wrote about here is chock full of other ideas once we have slightly older kids.

But I have nothing for Easter.

Easter at our house usually goes like this: It's the middle of tax season. Jamie is exhausted and working long days 6 days a week. For a week or so before Easter I try to come up with something meaningful to do. Usually a day or two before Jamie's grandparents ask if we have plans and if we'd like to do lunch with them. And then on Easter day we go to church, have a late lunch with the grandparents and call it a day.

It's not a bad way to spend a Sunday, it just doesn't have anything meaningful really. I want our Easter celebrations to enforce to our kids that this day is important. I hope that we will do a good job of teaching them year-round about Christ and His sacrifice for us; how He defeated death and opened the doors to Heaven. But if we're going to teach them 364 days a year that Jesus' death and resurrection are the basis of everything we do then shouldn't that 365th day, the day all of Christianity sets aside to celebrate his resurrection, be something special?

So for the next several months, until Easter comes around again I'll be making it a point to take notes of any great Easter/Holy Week ideas I hear. Any suggestions?

Happy Easter from the Hotalens!

2011-04-24T16:08:00.003-04:00

The Big Ones...

The Little One...

And the Dumb One...

Who decided to take himself for a walk to Kroger this morning. In case you were wondering, chasing the dog around the neighborhood is NOT a good start to Easter morning. If you were looking to add a new tradition to your Easter Sunday celebrations, I don't recommend it.

Quoted

2011-04-09T08:48:00.000-04:00

"That baby's gonna be honkin'. Every time I look at you, you're huger."
- My co-worker Dani who comes from Minnesota, where, apparently
they use words like honkin' and huger.

She's right, though.

A couple weeks ago, just before my trip to Virginia, Baby Girl decided to make sure Nana, Big Daddy and Aunt Shannon could see her. My tummy started to pop just a little.

And then, suddenly, there was no stopping it. Practically overnight I went from "Is that a baby bump or too much dessert?" to "Most definitely pregnant". And now, I look like this:

And now like Dani said, every time I turn around I'm huger! I love it though :) I'm feeling good and enjoying the whole pregnancy physique. Although clothes are becoming an issue...
(Look, even Kona's getting excited about the baby!)

Right Now

2011-04-06T20:35:00.003-04:00

Eating: Cheese fries with bacon bits and ranch dressing. Healthy, right?

Drinking: V8 Fusion Peach Mango juice. Does that counteract the cheese fries:

Listening: to the washing machine and seriously looking forward to clean sheets tonight!

Feeling: Energetic! It could be some second trimester energy flow. Or the 3 cups of coffee I had today.

Missing: these shoeless girls -

Wishing: I didn't have to wait until August to meet this baby face-to-face.

Wanting: A pedicure. It's getting pretty ugly.

Loving: the warm spring weather we had today.

Hoping: Baby DeVol's referral comes soon!

Wondering: If we'll ever be able to pick a name for Baby H.

Anticipating: My mom's trip to GA this weekend. I can't wait to see her!!

Thankful: For a new opportunity at work that might keep me employed AND home with the baby come this August.

I'm grateful for life today :) Hope you are too!

Delicious AND Healthy!

2011-03-22T17:12:00.003-04:00

I love the pregnancy diet - eat as much healthy, nutritious stuff as you can. Plain and simple. I love eating a big salad, feeling good about all the veggies I'm getting and not worrying about the fact that the cheese and dressing is totally killing any weight-loss attempts.

However, I'm not a huge veggie lover and I was worrying about whether or not my little peanut was getting all her nutritional needs met. So I decided to start making fruit and veggie smoothies for breakfast. And I'd like to officially declare my first attempt a smashing success. Here's what was in it:

1 C. lowfat organic vanilla yogurt
1/2 C. frozen mixed berries
1/2 of a medium-sized banana
10 baby carrots
1/2 C. frozen chopped spinach

I blended all of that together until it was really, really liquidy (I did NOT want to find a chunk of spinach in my smoothie). Then I poured the mixture into ice cube trays and froze. Once the smoothie cubes were solid, I popped them out of the tray into a freezer bag.

This morning before work, I put half the cubes into my smoothie cup that attaches to my blender (brillant invention by the way), added 4 oz. of Mott's fruit and vegetable juice and blended until smooth.

It tasted so good! Very sweet, and not at all like a spinach smoothie. Definitely a great way to add some fruits and veggies to my diet! And freezing the cubes beforehand meant I only spent a minute making breakfast this morning (because - let's be honest - I would not have woken up early enough this morning to chop produce). I highly recommend giving this a try.

Isn't She Lovely

2011-03-14T15:35:00.008-04:00

I'm so excited and distracted today I'm just blogging from work. No actual work was getting done anyway. Why am I so giddily unfocused? Because we found out today...

We're having a baby girl!!!!!!

Isn't she beautiful? I can't stop looking at her. And I can't stop smiling!

*P.S. I published a new post today, but dated it 3/12/2011. It's a new picture and I wanted it to be posted on the day I took it. So make sure to go back and check it out.

Can You Hear See Me Now?

2011-03-12T17:40:00.000-05:00

The littlest Hotalen would like to know:

"Can you see me now?"

I certainly can! What do you think? Do you see a big difference from 3 weeks ago?

Worth Sharing

2011-03-08T11:22:00.003-05:00

I do not know this family or their whole story. I do know that due to lack of space in the local childrens homes, their children were living in an adult prison in Uganda. This is their homecoming.

7 Days

2011-03-07T13:09:00.003-05:00

7 days until our next ultrasound.

7 days until we get to see this baby again.

7 days until we find out if we have a son or daughter.

7 days that cannot go by fast enough!

So Glad He Gets It

2011-02-23T17:04:00.000-05:00

Phone call with Jamie as he heads home from the gym:

Jamie: What's wrong?
Me: Nothing. I'm just in a really bad mood.
Jamie: I'm sorry. Do you want me to pick you up anything from the store?
Me: We have ice cream and cookies here from this weekend so I think I've got all my bad mood food covered.
Jamie: Ok, well stuff yourself.
Me: I'm almost done the first sleeve of Thin Mints.
Jamie: Well, start on the second. Remember, you're eating for two bad moods now.

Do You See It?

2011-02-21T16:53:00.004-05:00

I was told twice last week that I'm getting a belly. I don't really see it. Although, I have invested in and gotten good use out of a belly band. To be fair, I think it has a lot more to do with the gallon of water my doctor is insisting I drink daily than the itty bitty baby I'm growing.

But still, I thought I better start documenting before I really start showing.

So what do you think? Do you see anything?

By the way, this picture requires a lot of explanation. I look like that because I was about to clean my house and decided I'd rather waste time playing with my camera than clean. I'm pasty and pale because it's winter and I'm fair. That's the breaks. I'm standing in the middle of an open room instead of in front of a wall or something that would give you some perspective because it was the only place I could find to set my camera up and do a decent timer shot. Jamie was at work so he couldn't help. This was in the afternoon - 2 meals, 2 snacks and 1/2 gallon of water into the day. So I admit, when I wake up in the morning the belly that might be there in this shot is not present.

Maybe there's no actual baby bump yet, but when I post another picture in a few weeks, you'll be able to look back at this one and say, "NOW I see it!"

And now I'm going to take my poor neglected puppy for a walk in this gorgeous 70 degree weather. That way when I start getting a for real bump, I'll know it's not just the extra ice cream I've been eating.

A Very Valentine-y Post

2011-02-14T12:09:00.000-05:00

I volunteer as a small group leader for the 8th grade girls at our church. My girls are amazing. I love them. I will miss them a whole bunch when a new baby and their middle school graduation end our weekly meetings this August.

This month of February, the month of Valentines when everyone is thinking and talking about L-O-V-E we're doing a series on sex which our pastor is calling simply, "Boys and Girls". I LOVE doing this series. We go through something similar each year at this time, and I always look forward to it. Because I have such a strong passion for teaching young, Christian girls about sex and intimacy the right way.

Last year when we were in this series, I asked my girls to tell me what they would think sex is like if they knew only what they've learned in church and at home. They used words like "wrong", "dirty", and "sinful" to describe it. "What about if you knew only what you've learned from school and movies and songs?" Their words then changed to "fun" "free" "passionate".

It broke my heart. For real. Because it's completely opposite of what they should be hearing!

I read this post today and thought That's what I'm fighting against for my girls. This married lady talks about the shame and guilt she associated with sex even inside her own marriage.

One of my lofty, dreamy, probably-ain't-ever-gonna-happen goals in life is to address this issue on a much larger scale. As an author, or a speaker at girls' retreats. Because I think, as a church, we're doing it all wrong.

I thank God for my family, my amazing parents who somehow managed to raise me with three very basic principles in regards to sex:
1. It's for marriage.
2. It was God's idea
3. And it rocks. (Although, I admit, I don't think my mom actually ever used that term exactly)

That's what young kids should be hearing from the church. Why do we use lies and shame and fear to try to keep kids from having sex outside of marriage? Are we doing kids a favor by teaching them that sex is wrong and that the consequences will tear them up? I don't think so.

Here's what I want my girls to know:
Sex is great. It's worth waiting for. You will reap the blessings of waiting for the rest of your life.
You were created for sex with your husband. There's nothing wrong or guilty or shameful in wanting to be physically intimate with someone. That means your body is working right! And if you practice a little self control now and avoid temptation as much as possible, you get to enjoy that all the more later!
Fidelity is a habit. You do not instantly gain the ability to be faithful to your spouse the day you say "I do". When you practice saying no to going "too far" with a boyfriend now, you are building into your future marriage. You're practicing the faithfulness that will safeguard your marriage in the future.
No one is born pure, so there's no "losing" your purity, a phrase the church is fond of. We're all born sinful. To desire sexual gratification outside of marriage is the way we're wired. We don't keep our purity by crossing our legs, we gain it by being in the Word, by drawing as close to Christ as we can, by seeking out Godly accountability, by being cautious about the messages we take in about sex through movies and music. And we learn about sex the way God created it and strive to keep it that way.
And, yes, there are consequences to misusing sex. I don't want to sugarcoat that part. There are consequences, there are risks of disease and pregnancy. There is guilt and a loss of the perfect plan God had. And there is also grace to restore.

What I long for, is for my girs to know that sex is good. That it adds a depth of intimacy to a relationship that is beautiful. And that it is worth waiting for. Not because of the shame and guilt and consequences you'll suffer if you don't wait, but because of the blessings you reap when you do. I don't want them to think that sex is wrong or dirty or sinful. I want them to know that it's great and when the time comes they're gonna love it :)

A Bad Case of the Jumpies

2011-02-11T18:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't had many pregnancy symptoms. Morning sickness has skipped over me along with food aversions and any strong food cravings (so far). Although, I've always hated trimming fat off of raw chicken and now it literally makes me gag so maybe that's an aversion.

But one symptom has been very entertaining for Jamie and I: I'm so, SO jumpy! Last night I was putting away some cookies and Jamie decided he wanted one, so he said, "Wait!" Except I thought he was in the other room. I jumped a foot in the air and I think my heart literally stopped for a second. And that's just one of many instances. My boss scares me every time she walks into my office. My phone startles me every time it rings. It's getting a little ridiculous.

I know that might not be a by-the-book pregnancy symptom, but I'm absolutely certain they're related.

So if you see me out and want to say hi, please do so quietly. Or at least be understanding when your kind hello makes me jump a mile.

And speaking of nervous...prayers for our next appointment on Monday will be appreciated! I'm so nervous about it!! We'll be 14 weeks by then, meaning our risk of miscarriage will have dropped significantly. To me, making it to this appointment safely means I can finally relax, and really start planning for the future. I'm really anxious. After a lot of disappointment, it's hard for me to believe this is really going to happen. I keep expecting something bad to happen. So this appointment has me really worked up. Please pray we get to hear that beautiful, strong heartbeat and our little peanut is growing and healthy!!

In the Now

2011-02-08T17:38:00.002-05:00

I've always been a grass-is-greener person. No matter where I am in life I feel like I'd be just a little happier somewhere else. When I was in high school, I was sure I'd be happier in college (actually I was so...), in college I was sure I'd be happier out in the "real world", when I was jobless I was sure I'd be happier working, and then when I was working I was sure I'd be happier at home! (and then when I was unemployed again, I wanted to be working....and then when I was working again I wanted to be home...)

I am fighting SO HARD to not let that attitude creep into this pregnancy! I find myself thinking If we can just make it to second trimester, than I'll relax and enjoy my pregnancy. I want to rush ahead to registering and decorating the nursery and buying maternity clothes even though I'm not at that point yet. It's hard for me to not think I'll be happier when...

But I am really making an effort to slow down, enjoy it, soak it all in. Because there's a big question that always remains in the back of my head - Will this pregnancy be my only pregnancy?

The fact is an infertile couple doesn't cease to be an infertile couple just because they get pregnant. It's possible we may never have any trouble again! We hope we'll go on to have 2 or 3 or 6 more pregnancies without a glitch. It's also possible that this one pregnancy is our miracle, our one trip down the pregnancy road.

And if that's the case, I want to soak in every.single.moment.

It's said that every cloud has a silver lining and one of the blessings of infertility is the deepened appreciation it's given me for the gift of this pregnancy. Delayed gratification and all that. I wanted it SO much for so long and I realize I may never have it again, so I am determined to enjoy the heck out of it!

So right now I'm tired and I have to get up to go to the bathroom 17 times a night and I can't seem to sleep and I bawled my eyes out over "Oliver and Company" and a news story about a lost seeing eye dog. But I won't complain about any of that! Because I know what it all means. It means a dream come true. And though I want to skip ahead - to my next doctor's appointment when we'll be safely out of the first trimester, to the day I finally start to "show", to the day we get to decorate our nursery - I will do my best to live in the right now and remember that each second of this pregnancy is a blessing.

Update 2/11/2011 12:50 PM I just got home from Target. I bought a couple maternity shirts. I don't need them yet. I just wanted to. There I go, rushing ahead :)

The Nazi Officers Wife

2011-02-05T16:47:00.001-05:00

I'm not at all qualified to write a book review, but I want to share my layperson's thoughts on the book I'm reading right now.

It's an autobiography - true stories are always my favorite - about a Jewish woman in Austria during World War II. I love biographies, love reading about the World War II era, so this already has a lot going for it.

Here's the amazing part: unlike the Jewish men and women in "The Hiding Place" and Anne Frank, Edith Hahn spent a good portion of the Holacaust hiding right out in the open. As the wife of a German Nazi officer.

After being sent to labor on a German farm and then a paper factory, Edith was sent back to Austria to travel with her family to the ghettos in Poland. However, her family was shipped out before she got home and she decided to take a huge risk - she took the star off her coat and didn't report as scheduled to go to Poland. Instead, she found a friend willing to lie to Nazi officials, telling them she lost her official papers declaring her an Aryan. She was issued a second set, which she gave to Edith. Because they had now both assumed the same identity, Edith could no longer live in the same town as her friend so she fled. To Germany, the thick of the Nazi regime.

A German man falls in love with her and marries her even after she confesses that she is actually Jewish. And so for the remainder of the war, she lives in Nazi Germany as the wife of a German man who later becomes an officer in the Nazi army. Not only is she thought to be a good German citizen, but as a German housewife and mother, she is one of Germany's prized possessions!

Obviously what she endured was not as horrific as the suffering those in labor camps were put through. But still to read about what she went through is fascinating! To be greeted by "Heil Hitler" and pictures of the man who was destroying her family and friends everywhere she went, to listen to conversations praising "our great Fuhrer" and say nothing, all the while not knowing if her family was dead or alive...it was so interesting! She was a highly educated, intelligent woman who assumed a character of a simple-minded Red Cross volunteer to survive.

It's not the best book I've ever read about this era, but it's definitely a different look at how some Jewish people survived! I give my hightly sought after recommendation :-)

Girlfriends

2011-02-02T16:28:00.000-05:00

Friday night I had the pleasure of going to dinner with three of my 12Stone girlfriends. It was WONDERFUL! We spent 3 hours eating and talking and just catching up. While I still struggle a little bit with feeling that Buford is not quite "home", I have really made some great friends here.

The best part of our evening was that all of us are in the mom phase of life. We all either had babies, are expecting babies or are planning to have babies soon! So, of course we talked about babies the WHOLE night.

And for the first time in a while, I got to just enjoy it! I loved planning this dinner and not having to emotionally prepare myself for the baby talk. I loved joining in and adding my own experiences so far! I loved hearing the other girls who are farther along the mom path than I am share their stories, knowing that would definitely be me someday soon! Instead of wishing, hoping and hurting.

It was wonderful and I felt so so blessed!! God is good :-)

Official Baby Pool!

2011-01-30T14:16:00.001-05:00

So I was going to wait a little while to do this, but I got excited :-)

Here's the link so you can go on and enter your guesses!

You can guess the baby's gender, birthday, weight and length. Winner gets the pleasure of knowing they're not a loser!

Telling People - Pregnancy Edition

2011-01-25T20:49:00.003-05:00

As you can probably guess, telling people about our pregnancy has been about as much fun as a person can legally have. Friends and family have been so supportive and excited for us! It has really confirmed my decisions to be open about our infertility. Allowing people to be a part of our struggle has really allowed people to be a part of our joy, too.

When I made our pregnancy "Facebook official" (because until it's on Facebook, it ain't real!), I got a ton of excited encouraging comments on the sonogram photo I posted. One friend-of-a-friend said, "It's about time! I was wondering what you guys did with all that alone time." Now, to be clear, I was NOT at all upset by that comment. But it did make me think. What if we hadn't told our friends and family what we were going through? Could I have handled it if I was getting those "It's about time!" comments from everyone? I'll be honest, I don't think I could have.

I strongly believe that every child is a blessing, and I don't think our baby is more special than any other or will be more loved than any other. But spending some time in the darkness makes the sun seem a whole lot brighter! And I'm glad our friends and family were able to comfort and pray for us during our "darkness" and can join in the celebration now!

Our Little Miracle

2011-01-17T17:38:00.009-05:00

Most of you who read this already know, so this might not be a big surprise but...

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!

We're due in August and absolutely COULD NOT be happier!! We were shocked and ecstatic to find out we're expecting. Here's the story :)

On November 1st, I had my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. Before the surgery, I had to be on birth control (ah irony...) which I stopped the day before the surgery. Because of the birth control and other drugs and the surgery itself, I was told not to be concerned if my normal cycle didn't return right away. My doctor said to call for a prescription to "jumpstart" things if my cycle didn't return to normal.

In December, I decided it had been long enough and I should call my doctor and ask for the prescription. Ironically, I put it off for a few days because I knew they'd want me to take a pregnancy test first, and I was tired of taking pregnancy tests and watching them turn negative. Too depressing. So I waited until just before Christmas and called the office. No one answered so I left a message leading to a week-long game of phone tag that I finally gave up on because we went to New Jersey for Christmas.

When we got home I decided I needed to call and get that medicine. So when I woke up our first morning home I took a pregnancy test expecting it to be negative. My plan was to take the test and then call my doctor, explain that my normal cycle hadn't returned and I was not pregnant and ask for the drug. But much to my surprise....IT WAS POSITIVE!! I was completely shocked! I spent several seconds staring at the test and the instructions thinking, "I MUST be reading this wrong!" Jamie had already left for work so I had to wait all day to tell him. It was TORTURE!!

When Jamie got home from work that night I had a gift for him. I had wrapped up a baby's first Christmas outfit and the test with the very positive result. I left it sitting in what I thought was a conspicuous place, but he didn't notice (testimony to how disorganized our house is). Finally I said, "Don't you want to open your present?" When he unwrapped it, he just stared at it trying to put it all together. I told him, "We're going to need that next year." He looked at it again and finally said, "Are you serious?" He was completely surprised and as excited as a person can possibly be! We were already 7 weeks along and neither one of us had suspected anything was up!

We've had so much fun telling friends and family over the past few weeks and have gotten to see our little peanut twice on ultrasounds. Watching that little heartbeat pumping away was the BEST THING EVER. I'm 10 weeks along and so far feeling absolutely great. No morning sickness or anything. I'm so very happy and feeling so blessed and excited!!

I'm looking forward to all the fun (and even the not so fun!) things pregnancy will bring in the next few months! And especially looking forward to meeting this little one in August.

I cannot say thank you enough to everyone who has encouraged and prayed for us over the past 18 months! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Our Winter Wonderland

2011-01-10T17:37:00.004-05:00

Enjoying the snow together. Notice the chocolate still on Jamie's face from our s'mores earlier :)

Our house looking so pretty in the snow.

The snow in front of our front door. We had to dig our way out.

Me and Kona :)

Defining Moments

2010-12-08T15:24:00.003-05:00

I couldn't have been more than 5. We were still going to Erial Community Church and I was in my Children's Church classroom. My class was playing Doggie Doggie Where's Your Bone. I had been chosen to be the bone stealer, which among the preschool set is pretty presitgious. Because the stealer not only gets to take the doggie's bone for that round, but also gets to be the doggie in the following round. Pretty exciting stuff.

So I did my best sneaking, stole the doggie's bone and waited as he guessed who the perpetrator might be. And then I walked up to the "dog house" for my turn.

But the seat of the dog house was wet. As were the pants of the last "doggie".

"Did you have an accident?" the teacher asked sympathetically.

"No" replied the doggie, "It was wet when I sat down."

Now, I may have been young enough to still display my age as "this many" with only one hand, but I knew something wasn't right there. After all the dress of the doggie who had preceded him was dry. And how could the dog house possibly have gotten wet in between her getting up and him sitting down?

"Liar!" I thought. "You better come clean or I'm going to have to sit in that!" I'm not sure why I figured they'd make me sit in the puddle if he didn't admit his little oopsy, but I was pretty scared.

Then he started crying, which is almost like admitting guilt. The chair was switched out for another untainted one and the game went on.

But 20 plus years later the memory still haunts me.

It Just Ain't Right, Man

2010-12-06T15:43:00.003-05:00

Sometimes when I sign onto Facebook, I feel like I'm being stalked. Somehow the the little minions behind the advertising on that site know all my deepest hopes and fears. How do I know this? Because every time I sign on the ads read, "Are You a Mom?" No, and it's a rather painful subject, so thanks for asking "Want FREE Baby Stuff?" Well I'd like to have a need for free baby stuff. "Meet Other Moms in Atlanta" Thanks, but you might be using the word other incorrectly. And then there's the ultrasound tech one and the Picabo one that don't taunt me with their words, but with pictures of babies instead.

Most of the time, these just make me laugh at their irony. But there's one that ticks me off. Maybe you've seen it. It's an ad for a book that promises to show women one simple trick to get pregnant quick. Obviously, it's a scam. It doesn't take a Mensa member to figure out that if my doctors - experts in the field of reproductive science - can't get us pregnant, some author with no medical training has nothing of substance to offer. From the beginning of time women have struggled to get pregnant, and if there was one simple way to make it happen, we'd know it by now. But it's painfully tempting. I want to believe this woman really has a magic cure all.

A few months ago, there was a thread on the infertility forum I visit from time to time in which someone mentioned that book (or one similar). Every other girl who commented said the same thing, "Don't buy it, it's a scam." But I totally felt for the original poster. She saw something that promised hope in an otherwise hopeless situation and she desperately wanted to believe it was real.

I hate that there are people in this world willing to profit off other's emotional pain. I'm certain the writers and sellers of that book know they don't hold a magic secret trick to getting pregnant. But they also know that there are women just desperate enough to buy it.

The whole experience of infertility is so hopeless and confusing that it's easier than it should be to take advantage. It's done in fertility clinics, too. During IVF treatments, doctors convince women that their only hope of having a child is to implant 5 or 6 embryos. And so, the couple agrees. Only to then be told by the same doctor that their only hope of having a live birth is to "selectively reduce" the number of babies growing in that woman's womb. In the end, the couple has their child and the clinic has an even greater success rate. So the end justifies the means, right? Or not.

I'm not saying all clinics work this way. In fact, I think most probably do have good intentions and high ethical standards. I'm just saying I've read enough and heard enough in my own journey to know this happens. And I've experienced the feelings of desperation, of wanting to do absolutely anything to get pregnant to understand WHY it happens.

And sadly, working in adoptions, I know it happens there, too. I'm sad to say that I've seen couples taken advantage of. There are "companies" who do horribly unethical things to make a buck. Birthmoms allow a couple to pay for their medical bills and their living expenses throughout their pregnancy only to change their minds and walk away from the adoption. Leaving the potential adoptive parents with empty arms and an empty wallet. And yes, I know, oftentimes a birthmom has the absolute best of intentions when making an adoption plan for their child, and the best of intentions when they then decide to parent. I also know that there are women whose intentions are nothing close to honorable, who plan from the beginning to use prospective adoptive parents for their own gain.

I really think that in most cases, fertility clinics and adoption agencies are ethical and truly care about the people they are serving. And in most cases, women who choose adoption for their child are truly seeking the best life for that child.

But there are times when a couple who has gone through years of infertility, who have seen their hopes dashed time and again, are taken advantage of. There are people who see their hurt and their longing for a child as an opportunity for personal gain. And that breaks my heart.

Lonely

2010-12-04T16:57:00.000-05:00

For the first time since moving to Georgia, I've been feeling really, truly lonely. I've felt homesick before, but never really lonely. In fact, Georgia feels more like home now than it ever has before, and yet I'm more lonely than I've ever been, too. Go figure.

I think it's a combination of things. I haven't been home in a really long time. And though of course wherever Jamie is, is home to me, there's just something about the house that I grew up in that will always make it home too. There's a part of me there with the people I love in the place I spent my childhood that needs to be revisited from time to time. And it's been too long. And I think that makes me feel lonely.

I also think it has something to do with the journey of making friends in Georgia, which has not been all that easy. I know a lot of people here and would call many of them friends. But time and again I've found those relationships stall out at the somewhat casual friendship level. And I'm really longing for a Georgia "family". The type of friends who know me deeply, who I can talk to about anything. I really would love to have a tightknit group of girlfriends here and that's been tough to come by. I need a Georgia Kristy and a Georgia Britt. Maybe I'll ask Santa for that this year.

My little friend infertility has something to do with it, too. There's just something really isolating about feeling very different from every other girl I know. I told Jamie recently, "It's like there's this secret club of women that I'm not invited to join but everyone else is." It's worse than being voted out of the 5th grade clique, and that was pretty bad (although I was voted out for defending another girl when they tried to vote her out, so at least I had my integrity to keep me company).

I hate being whiny and woe-is-me (like Eeyore, the world's most annoying donkey; But that's another rant for another day). And truth be told, I'm not miserable or unhappy. Just a little bit lonely. And I thought maybe I'd feel better if I wrote about it. Thanks for letting me vent :)

Thanksgiving

2010-12-01T15:02:00.004-05:00

As usual, we had a great time at the ranch for Thanksgiving. I love going down there because while we get to spend lots of time with Jamie's family, they're also busy a lot giving us time to hang out as a couple. It's always very relaxing.

Highlights from this week:
Seeing the manatees!! Jamie had taken me to Blue Springs this summer to see manatees, but we didn't think to check if they were there year round before we went. And they're not. Apparently, Blue Springs is only their winter home. So we tried again last week and we saw a whole bunch of them! I gotta be honest - I was totally excited to finally see real live manatees in the wild but um those things are dull. They're cool and all but one of the dozen or so we saw actually moved. In my next life, I'm going to be a manatee.

Watching a few dozen little kids learn to dance in Downtown Disney. HILARIOUS! First of all, the guy on stage was like 40 and a little on the heavy side. Watching him get down to the Hoedown Throwdown was pretty funny. But the kids...OH MY GOODNESS were they hilarious! I wish I had my camera with me, but I didn't. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

Shopping at the Nike outlet. I got a Florida State t-shirt for $10 and two other t-shirts and two pairs of shorts for $7 each. I was in need of some t-shirts without holes in the armpits (how do I do that to every single shirt?) and some shorts that hadn't previously belonged to Jamie. I was pretty excited to get some nice Nike ones for such a great price!

Seeing Britt and the rest of the Gragg clan. 2 cute kids and my dear old college roomie. It was wonderful :)

Celebrating my birthday TWICE - once with just Jamie and once with the whole Hotalen gang. The restaurant Jamie and I went to sorta forgot to put our order in so we waited a good 45 minutes for our meal and then got it for free. It was great! And my in-laws got me a beautiful scarf and sweater. And Aron and Julie got me a Florida State shirt (bringing my total to THREE, baby!) Yay for presents :)

Eating Thanksgiving dinner.

Eating leftovers.

I love good food. And I love our families. And now I CAN'T WAIT to get up to New Jersey for Christmas!

P.S. Check out the new photo albums I added over there ------>

Bucket List

2010-11-27T14:29:00.004-05:00

When Jamie and I first got married, I joined a site for newlyweds and quickly realized the women on there were not really type. So I stopped visiting it and now I don't even remember my login name and password. I do, however, still get their online newsletter on a regular basis. Included in each newsletter is a list of recent forum topics. Yesterday I was checking through the newsletters I hadn't read yet and came upon a forum topic titled, "What's on Your Baby Bucket List?". If you're unfamiliar with the term, a bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die and a baby bucket list is a list of things you want to do before having kids. I was intrigued, so I clicked the link to read what other women had on their list. I wanted to know how other women are using the time they have as a twosome.

You would not believe how ambitious these ladies are!

"Travel to all 7 continents"
"Spend a year living abroad"
"Volunteer with the Peace Corps"
"Have our house, school loans and cars completely paid off"

I could see this was not going to be very helpful. Jamie and I will not - I guarantee you - visit all 7 continents before having kids and very likely won't accomplish anything so ambitious in our lifetime! And live abroad? I miss my mommy living a few hundred miles from her! And unless a wealthy uncle we don't know about leaves us a large sum of money, our school loans and house will not be paid off for quite a while. If we waited for that, we'd be having kids at 45.

So I started thinking about what realistic goals I could put on my own "Before Babies" list and came up with one. Just one.

To have my house clean, really clean, and organized just once before I have little humans to clean up after.

Amen.

P.S. Shannon redid her blog and it's so cute! She's combining all her information from her adoption blog and her everyday blog into one. Be sure to check it out storiesfromtheshoe.blogspot.com.

Not Diggin' the Whole Birthday Thing

2010-11-19T23:55:00.005-05:00

When I first wrote about infertility, I said it effects everything and that's so true. Nearly every aspect of life is touched by the pain that is infertility.

For example, turning 27.

I've never made a huge deal about birthdays but I've also never understood why some people dread and hate them. What's the big deal in turning another year older? But this year has been a little harder than most. Because never in a million years would I have imagined getting to 27 without being a mom.

When I was a little kid, I thought I would get married when I was 19, 20 tops. I'd have my first baby when I was 21 or 22 and by 27 I'd probably have a whole passel of little monsters and be spending my days at Mommy N Me music class.

Life sorta worked out differently.

And I was fine with getting married older than I thought I would because I realized that at 19, I was not ready (and plus I hadn't met my wonderful hubby yet). And now 8 years later I can look back at 19-year-old me and think THANK GOODNESS I didn't get married that young!

But I've had a harder time dealing with motherhood being slow in coming.

To be honest, this has not been a terrible day. I got to go out to lunch with a coworker, have a nice long conversation with my favorite little sister and my mom, and my husband came home from work and told me I shouldn't have to clean on my birthday and took over my chore list for me. I haven't been sad and bummy all day or anything.

But I have shed tears today. I cried last night just thinking about the reality of being so far from where I thought I'd be. I cried for the loss of my dreams for my life. My life is forever changed by this. I may still be a stay-at-home mom of a whole passel of little monsters like I planned, but it's going to look different than I expected. Maybe we'll adopt, or maybe we'll be able to have kids eventually. I have a feeling it will be mixture of both. And that's not a bad thing and I'm sure I will love parenthood when and how it comes. But still I had plans and dreams and they have had to change.

I don't want to mislead you and make you think I'm miserable, because I'm not. I'm just saying my next birthday will be a lot happier if there's a little one here by the time 28 rolls around.

Are You Telling People?

2010-11-15T14:50:00.002-05:00

Recently a friend called me with a question. Another mutual friend had heard about my surgery and asked her what was going on with us. My friend wanted to know what to say. "Are you telling people?"

I told her yes, we are. I've been pretty open to anyone who asks what's going on with us. And to anyone who asks if we're having kids soon, I usually say, "We want to, but we haven't been able to so far." If they ask for more detail, I give it to them.

I struggle with this sometimes. Some days I just do NOT want to talk about it. My best friend in the whole world asked me how it was going today and I told her I didn't want to talk about it. Not today. Not even with her. I just wasn't in the mood.

Other times I hate sharing our story because of how people respond. Sympathy is ok, encouragement is appreciated, but I hate being pitied. I have a fear that people will feel sorry for us if we decide to adopt. Like too bad we couldn't have a "real" kid. I don't want to be pitied and I definitely don't want to be treated differently - not invited to baby showers or told of friend's pregnancies until absolutely necessary. And sometimes I get some totally unwanted advice ("Stop trying and relax and it'll happen!")

For those reasons sometimes I'm tempted to keep my mouth shut. But I don't. Here's why:

#1 It is our story, like it or not. This is a part of who we are as a couple and it will affect us for better or worse. No matter what happens. I don't know the reasons yet that we have had to walk this road, but we have. And I see no reason to keep that a secret.

#2 People say dumb things. That's a fact of life, and I've been just as guilty of it as anyone. And people saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can really hurt. If someone who doesn't know about our infertility issues asks when we're gonna start trying, or worse warns us that we should start soon because we're not getting any younger! (yep, it's happened despite the fact that we're 26) I can't be upset. They can't know what they haven't been told. It is painful to have someone try to convince you to have a baby when you absolutely would if you could! Some women don't talk about their infertility because it's too painful. I share for self preservation. If people know, they'll be more sensitive.

#3 I covet others prayers on our behalf. There isn't a whole lot anyone can do to help us in this situation (unless one of you have an unclaimed baby laying around. Anyone?) But most of our friends and family can and do pray for us. I don't know that prayers will lead to us conceiving, but it certainly doesn't hurt! And it's so good to know people are lifting you up.

#4 I never know who my story might help. One of the things that has helped me stay sane during this time is the other women I know who have been here. Some of them don't even know how they have helped me. I look at women who went through years of infertility and now have a family and I realize I'll be there some day. I look at other women who are at the same place as me, still trying to start their family and I know I'm not alone. I spend my days at an adoption agency and I know many of our clients are adopting after years of trying to have a biological child. And I realize the joy they feel when they get their referral, or bring home their newborn will be our joy some day. People don't know how they've encouraged me just by allowing me a glimpse of their lives. And I hope that in sharing what we're going through I can encourage someone else.

Some women choose not to talk about their infertility and I totally get that. It can be hard to talk about. People don't always respond the way you'd hoped. But for me, I feel like I need to. Some days I wish this were not our story but it is. And I'm going to share it, so bring on the unwanted advice!

Post Surgery Update

2010-11-12T21:16:00.003-05:00

I had my surgery as scheduled on November 1st which is kind of a miracle in itself because after rescheduling twice I was starting to think maybe it wouldn't happen.

People keep asking how it went and I'm a little unsure how to answer that. The purpose of the surgery was to help us get pregnant. And, well, I'm not yet. So I guess I'll have to let you know exactly how it went some time in the future. (side story, the anesthetist was looking through my chart right before taking me back to the OR and he wondered aloud, "Did they do a pregnancy test? Oh yeah, here it is." Then he turned to me and said, "I just have to check because it would change what medications I can give you." Yeah, Mr. Doctor it would kinda change a whole lot more than that!)

But as far as how it went for me physically, it kinda hurt. Which should be no surprise to anyone who understands the meaning of the word "surgery". But I was totally thinking it would be no big thing. I mean it was only 3 little tiny incisions and no organs were being removed or anything. My surgery was Monday afternoon and Joel was flying in on Wednesday evening for a friend's wedding. I completely thought I'd be able to pick him up at the airport. I told my boss I'd probably be back to work on Thursday or Friday. In reality, I was out of work all week and pretty darn proud of myself for showering and putting on clean sweat pants Wednesday evening so I could go with Jamie to the airport. So yeah it was a little more painful than anticipated.

But I'm good now. I'm about 95% healed and that's only because I still have 3 teeny tiny spots on my tummy that haven't totally healed. In a few days they'll be gone and I'll be all good.

As far as how it went from a diagnostic view, my doctor tells me I have stage 4 severe endometriosis. Which is one of the weirdest most unexplainable diseases ever. I get the basic premise - endometrial tissue grows in the wrong place in the body - but I totally don't get the other issues it causes and why. For me it me means painful cramps but really not much else (other women experience all kinds of other symptoms). My doctor was able to remove a little more than half of the scar tissue that she found, which improves our chances very slightly. She's certainly not promising us we'll conceive now. For us, it means we have less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant each month (compared to a healthy couple's 20%).

We're still playing with what to do with this new information. For now we're doing nothing drastic - no more infertility treatments and we're not applying to adopt yet. Although we're really eager to have a family, we don't feel like we need to rush. My doctor says we have 4-6 years before our chances of conceiving through IVF start to decline, so we can do that at any point. But we're not sure we want to. And of course my job at the adoption agency makes adoption a very obvious option. We'll wait and see for a while if the surgery yields any immediate results and then decide what's next if we don't get pregnant.

We'll see. And I'll be sure to share with you what we decide when we decide it. Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers, cards, emails, etc. that you sent my way last week!

Road Trip!

2010-10-21T15:27:00.000-04:00

Before I was married, I didn't mind long drives, because I could turn up the radio and just chill and sing. I didn't hate travelling, but I didn't love it either.

Now that I'm married, I love taking road trips with Jamie. The radio stays off for most of the ride and we talk about everything under the sun. We'll talk about our opinions on controversial topics, or our plans and hopes for our future. Sometimes just for fun we'll pick opposing sides of a debate and have it out (I always win). Like a lot of guys, Jamie is not the type to come home from work and tell me all the details about his day, but in the car, I'll get caught up on what's been going on in the office lately. Sometimes we just chat about nothing important. But no matter what we're talking about, it's always a good bonding time. I find myself looking forward to our many trips to Toccoa. It takes about an hour to get there, which is the perfect amount of time to get a good chat in. Driving to Tallahassee this weekend was great. Five hours of chit-chat.

Jamie is also fun to travel with because he's spontaneous. For example, Sunday on the way home, we stopped at JL's Barbeque (the sign said #1 in Georgia, so we had to try it! And it was pretty tasty!), the Georgia State Fair (though we decided the wait was too long to get in) and the Salt Lick Sausage Company where we got some pretty darn good fresh jerky. I just love travelling with a guy who sees a sign saying, "Meat me down at the Salt-Lick Sausage Co.!" and decides we HAVE to stop there!

Of course, I still look forward to the days that our conversations are frequently interrupted by little ones needing attention!

Surgery Update

2010-10-18T15:24:00.002-04:00

I finally have a solid, not-gonna-change-again date for my surgery. I will be getting it done for sure on November 1st. We had a difficult time trying to get it scheduled and had to change it twice. But now it's for sure. I'm so glad it will be done soon!

In the Meantime...

2010-10-05T16:53:00.010-04:00

I'm generally pretty at peace about our infertility and I'm pretty confident that some way, some how I will be a mom. And though I have my days in which I want to trip the pregnant women who pass me by in the mall (not that I would), I've really learned to accept this for what it is - just a bump in the road. A bump, it's worth mentioning, that has provided me with a whole lot of time to just be a wife. And the more I hang out with that guy I married, the more I like him.

But the waiting is HARD some times. Some days I see my friends with their kids, or strangers pushing a stroller and I think, When is it going to be our turn?

One of the ways I've found to deal with the frustration of waiting is to keep a notebook of parenting ideas. That way when I hear something cool, instead of thinking, I hope I remember that years from now! I get excited about going home and writing it down. My notebook is broken into months with several pages for each month. In it I've written cool ideas for holiday traditions and seasonal traditions. The back section is not labeled with a month and is a place for me to write down fun things that have no specific date. Included in this section is a list I titled, "Books to Read Together".

I love to read, and when I was a kid I LOVED to read, so I have a lot of favorite children's books. Here's my list so far:

1. Maniac Magee
2. Anne of Green Gables
3. Little House on the Prairie (and the whole Little House series)
4. The Boxcar Children series
5. A Little Princess
6. The Secret Garden
7. Harriet the Spy
8. James and the Giant Peach (random fact you didn't know before - Jamie, when he was just an adorable little 5th grader starred in his schools production of James and the Giant Peach as James himself.)
9. The Chronicles of Narnia series
10.Number the Stars
11.Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl
12.Little Women

It's a short list right now and I know I'll think of others long before my children reach the appropriate ages for these books. Also you may have noticed they're all chapter books. I'm sure we will read LOTS of great picture books when they're little (Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day anyone??) and my goal is to have a pretty substantial library for my kiddos. But the books on my list are more for when they're a little older and we're reading something "meatier".

What books do you think I'm missing? Any greats from your childhood you think I should add? You may notice, since I am a girl and these are my favorite books there are only a few that aren't very girly. Anyone have any less frilly books for our future boys?

I Heart Fall

2010-10-01T22:32:00.002-04:00

I really do. Heart fall, that is. I love football and cooler weather and changing leaves. I love going to homecoming at TFC and spending the weekend with the many Hotalen alumni. I love pumpkin flavored anything. Muffins, coffee (oh the coffee! It's glorious!), donuts, bread, pie (oddly though pumpkin itself is actually kinda gross). I love not going back to school so I can just soak in the wonderfulness of fall without any added work. But I look forward to having kids so I can soak up the back to school fun. New pencils. And backpacks. And notebooks. I love me a good notebook, blank and unmarred. I love pulling my sweaters back out. And forgetting for the next several months that the air conditioning in my car is dying.

I love all things falls. And now living in the south I don't dread winter as much. So that's a perk.

There are so many, many reasons I'm glad this season is finally here!

Surgery Update

2010-09-13T15:42:00.001-04:00

Jamie and I decided I would go ahead with the procedures our doctor recommended. We're hoping it will help us to conceive, of course. But there is still a good chance we won't be able to get pregnant. I'm ok with that and because the procedures have other potential benefits we decided it was worth it.

Originally I was hoping to have it done this month, but my doctor only operates on Mondays, and I would have to have it done on the 20th. Since I will be flying to Chicago (YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!) for a weekend with my mom and sisters on the 23rd, I decided that would be cutting it a little close. Most of my friends and relatives who've had laparascopies say they recovered in 48 hours or less. But on the off chance that I'm feeling bad for a week afterwards I don't want it to ruin my trip.

So we're looking at October, probably the 18th but possibly as early as the 11th or as late as the 25th. Can't wait to pig out on some ice cream :)

Ten for the Tenth

2010-09-10T15:46:00.001-04:00

Ten things that crack me up about Kona:

1. He tears out the back door every time we let him out in hopes of catching a bunny in the backyard. He's only been successful once (RIP, little bunny...)

2. He loves to ride in the car pretty much anywhere, but gets beside himself excited over a trip to the bank drive through. He's gotten a treat there like twice, but he has NEVER forgotten!

3. When we leave him out of his crate he sleeps on our couch (which is why we don't leave him out anymore). But when he hears us pull into the driveway, he runs into his crate before we come inside. Then he comes out stretching and yawning like we just woke him up from a long nap in his crate like maybe we won't know where he was even though there's still a warm, furry spot on our couch. Good try though.

4. He likes to sleep on his back with all 4 legs up in the air. If one leg starts to fall, he jerks awake, sticks it back up and falls back asleep.

5. He also likes to lay on his tummy with his back legs stuck straight out behind him. This makes him look ridiculously long.

6. He can't get any traction on our wood floors. It's too much fun to throw a ball in there for him to chase and watch him slip and slide like Bambi on the frozen pond and then crash into the back wall.

7. He never ever growls at anything ever. Except his basketball. Pull that out and he goes NUTS growling and snarling! He sounds so mean and vicious attacking that thing! You'd never guess he's just playing.

8. He's obsessed with toilet paper. Anytime I go into the bathroom, he follows me and stares at the roll hoping I will tear off a square for him to eat. He gets especially excited when we use up a roll and let him eat the tube.

9. His total over-the-top exuberance at meeting anyone new. You when the dog on UP says, "I have just met you and I love you." That is totally Kona.

10. His under bite. For real, you have to see it.

August at a Glance

2010-09-05T22:00:00.001-04:00

We finally made it to Savannah!! I've been wanting to visit this city since I moved to Georgia, and the wedding of a Hotalen family friend finally gave us an excuse to go. It was a short weekend, but I loved it and can't wait to go back!

We hung out on the beach at Tybee Island before the rehearsal dinner.

Saturday morning we took a trolley tour of historic Savannah with the wedding party and guests.

Forrest Gump even jumped on our trolley for a little bit and pointed to the bench where, as he said, "Tom Hanks portrayed me in that movie."

The wedding ceremony was in a chapel on the campus of a children's ranch. It was freakin' adorable.

Good times. Good company. I can't wait to go back sometime.

D-Day

2010-08-21T14:10:00.006-04:00

**Disclaimer: today's post includes a medical discussion of our infertility issues. Words such as "endometrium" and "uterine" are included in the text below. Proceed with caution. Especially if you belong to the male species. You may choose to skip this post today and instead proceed to this exceedingly long continuation of our boy-meets-girl saga.**

Well Friday was D-Day. D for diagnosis. The day I went back to our IF specialist (technically called a reproductive endocrinologst or RE) to find out the results of the tests we've had done over the past two weeks. And hopefully to find out why we aren't getting pregnant and what we can do to change that.

Here's what we learned: the problems are all on my end, which is good because about a third of infertile couples are dealing with both female and male infertility issues. But they are a less than cut and dry. There's definitely something up with my uterine lining that's making it too thick. It could be a cyst, a polyp or a number of other things. And there is a 70-80% chance that I have endometriosis. Both of these things are treatable; the lining issue with a very minor surgical procedure and the endometriosis with a slightly more invasive but still relatively minor procedure. I also have polycystic ovaries, but NOT polycystic ovary syndrome (where a host of hormone issues are added to the polycystic ovaries; all my hormone levels are good). That's the good news.

The bad news is there's really no way to know if any of those things or a combination of them are what is causing our infertility or if treating them will cure it. My doctor quoted one study in which women with endometriosis were twice as likely to get pregnant after treatment. But the actual numbers went from 3-4% without treatment to about 6% after treatment. So, as she put it, "really low to still pretty low." It's kind of a crapshoot.

Basically, we have some options and some reason to hope there is still pregnancy in our future, but no promises.

No medical promises anyway. Friday was a little bit emotional, but I wasn't too discouraged. I know there is a plan for us and this is just one more step on the journey we're taking. And I know I'm going to be a mom at some point. How and when is the mystery.

So how do I feel after all that medical stuff? I'm not sure. Still hopeful, still peaceful and still believing there is something great for us down the road. But I HATE making decisions like this! I mean, I'd rather NOT go through surgery, but I'd really like to increase our chances of getting pregnant. I'd rather NOT deal with the short-term discomfort but it'll be totally worth it for the result if it works. I'd rather NOT pay for all this stuff if it's not going to be successful! We could use that money for our adoption if we choose to build our family that way.

These are the life decisions that are so difficult. I mean, sometimes when you consider God's plan for your life and wonder what He'd have you do, it's pretty obvious (Should I or should I not become a prostitute? for example or Should Jamie become a drug dealer to supplement our income?). But there's no right or wrong here. I fully believe whatever we decide is ok with my Heavenly Father and He'll still be in control either way. I don't believe God sits up in Heaven waiting for us to make the wrong choice so He can strike us down. But still I wish there was a way just to know for sure the best, least painful choice!

Of course, if we do decide to go the surgical route I'll get a whole week of being waited on by my husband (the RE said a 5-7 day recovery, and I will be taking 7 thank you very much). And hopefully as much ice cream as I can eat. Nothing can be all bad if it involves ice cream...

My New Toy!

2010-08-17T20:43:00.004-04:00

I'm not exactly all up on the latest technological gadgets (if you need proof, the last time I wrote about getting an exciting new toy it was a Swiffer Wet Jet). I still cannot, for the life of me, figure out what an iPad is for. Except of course making Steve Jobs richer.

But you don't need to be cool and technologically savvy if you've got a super hip brother-in-law!!

Last weekend when Shane passed through Buford on his way up to Toccoa he brought me an iPod Touch!

Isn't it pretty?? Not actually mine; I got this picture off a website. But mine looks like this one.

He bought himself a new Macbook for college and got the iPod as a free gift. But since he's way cooler than us, he already has an iPhone, so the iPod was pretty superfluous. And actually strictly speaking it's for me AND Jamie, but really it's mine and I don't let Jamie play with it. I feel sooo cool! It's a lot like the iPhone, minus the phone calls part. I can get on Facebook and check my email on it. I can even text on it. After Shane shows me how...And when I'm with a group of people and we're trying to schedule something, I can pull out my sweet looking iPod instead of my archaic date book (no offense, date book. I still love you). If everyone else I know didn't already have an iPhone, they'd be so jealous!

Now all I need to do is fill it with music and apps. So if you've got any can't-live-without apps on your own nifty Apple products, let me know!

P.S. When I spell checked this, spell checker didn't recognize the words "iPod", iPhone", "Macbook" or "Facebook". So I am most definitely cooler than Blogger apparently.

Continued...

2010-08-13T17:54:00.000-04:00

The second shot-through-the-heart comment came from a friend (which, wow talk about your divine appointments. In the future, I'll have to share exactly how me and this friend ended up spending 3 1/2 hours talking over lunch at PF Chang's this week).

At some point during that over 3 hour conversation she was sharing some of her struggles and said it took her a long time to come to grips with the fact that God was allowing this because He loves her. Not that He loves her in spite of her difficult situation. Not just that life is hard but God is still loving. But that it was because of God's love for her that He was allowing the hurt.

That messed with me.

I hadn't quite thought about it that way. I'd tried really hard on days that I was really hurting to convince myself that God was still good, still loved me, still wanted what was best for me. But it was a tough sell.

And it had never even crossed my mind that maybe God was allowing this BECAUSE He loves me. Maybe this - the pain and the disappointment and the frustration - were actually the best thing for me. Maybe God in His infinite wisdom knows the end result of all this and knows that I can't get where I'm going unless I walk through this now.

I have no idea how this story will unfold. Maybe Jamie and I will have our own biological babies or maybe we'll adopt. Maybe both. I could find out I'm pregnant tomorrow or I could never carry my own little ones.

But as I thought about what she said, I realized a day will come when I look at my family and can see how God put it all together. I know that whether my children are biological or adopted they'll be well worth the wait. But I don't want to wait until they're here in my arms to experience God's love for me in this valley. There are a lot of opportunities for me to grow right now - to learn to love my Savior even more, to trust Him when it's tough, to turn to Him in brokenness instead of lashing out in bitterness, to be faithful even when I don't know what tomorrow holds, to lay down my agenda for my life and open myself up to His. I know God knows my heartache and hurts for me, but He's letting me go through this for a reason, and I don't want to miss out on the hidden blessings.

And if I am faithful, if I accept this as an experience that challenges me to grow and become more loving, more faithful, more patient then when the time comes, I'll be an even better mom to my children. A mom who can teach them to love God and cling to Him when life hurts because I've been there.

Even though I hate the hurting part of it and the waiting and longing, I'm grateful for a God who loves me enough to let me be broken and to use my brokeness to make me more like Him. And I'm so so excited to see how this story unfolds.

Prickly Pear Heart

2010-08-12T17:11:00.001-04:00

Twice in two days someone said something to me that hit me so hard it almost knocked the breath outta me. That sounds like exaggeration. But it really isn't. Twice I went, "Whoa" not just with my mouth but with my heart. So now I have a cactus heart - conviction sticking it like a pin cushion. And so I feel I should do what every good Christian does with conviction - Blog about it. (Right?)

The first came on Sunday during church. Our church is doing a series called "Do Hard Things" based on the book by the same name (which, if what I've heard is to be believed, should be read by every person between the ages of 12 and 22 on this planet; so if you're between the ages of 12 and 22, buy it and if not, buy it for someone who is. At least, that's what I'm told. I haven't read it). Now, the whole concept of doing hard things was challenging. Especially when our pastor spoke about doing small hard things. I'll be honest, me and the little voice within who likes to say "But I don't WANT to!" are like BFFs. So being consistent in the little hard things like loving on my husband when he's being particularly unlovable (who Jamie?? NEVER!) is not a real hobby of mine. Maybe I should work on that.

But that's not what REALLY hit me. What REALLY hit me was this comment:

"When we set high expectations of God and low expectations of ourselves, we can play the victim."

Like, ouch, man. That is totally me. So. Totally. Me. Because, like our pastor said on Sunday, being the victim is easy. Being the victim means this is not MY fault, it's yours (or in this case His). If I'm the victim I can feel sorry for me and mad at you.

If I'm the victim, I don't have to change.

Yeah that hit me right in the gut. Maybe, just maybe it's time I stop feeling sorry for me and start expecting a little more from myself - a little more faithfulness, a little more trust, a little more discipline. A little more love, a little more sacrifice and less "But I don't WANT to".

What if - what if - I had high expectations of God and myself. What if I expected God to be and do exactly what He promises He will and yet don't let myself off the hook.

What if?

Maybe I'd see some of the blessings I'm blind to now. Maybe instead of feeling bitterness and anger toward God when things don't go my way, maybe I'd feel hope. Maybe instead of feeling anger toward God I'd feel comfort from Him. Maybe instead of pulling me away from Him, the crappy stuff that happens in life would send me running for His arms. Which is where I really want to be anyway. And where He wants me to be.

Reasons I'm Glad My Niece is Only Three

2010-08-08T16:42:00.003-04:00

1. She won't care that her birthday present is well over a week late.

2. She won't care that her loser aunt only had baby boy wrapping paper and tissue paper to wrap her gift in.

3. She probably won't even notice the Priority Mail tape all over her gift.

4. She definitely won't notice that I couldn't find a card that said "Niece" on it.

5. I doubt she'll see her present and think, "Gee whiz, what'd she do wrap this in her car sitting in the Target parking lot??"

6. She'll totally forget about me forgetting to buy her a birthday gift so no permanent damage is expected.

Dear Lindsey,

Thanks for being 3 and too little to realize what a doofus I am.

Sincerly,

The worst aunt ever.

Lettin' It All Out

2010-08-05T00:00:00.002-04:00

So I've been AWOL lately. I've been really bumming about our struggles to start a family, which I haven't blogged about before. But I feel like since only my family and friends read this blog - and really you all know to some extent what's going on so you don't just think I hate you when the bitterness comes out - I can let it all out. Maybe it'll help me process through it to write it all out.

I don't want to write about everything we've done medically. That part I've already processed. Over and over again. In my head, with Jamie, with my mom and sister and my almost-sister friends like Britt and Kristy. But I want to try to write about the emotional part of it and the spiritual part of it, how it effects just about every aspect of our lives in one way or another. Because, to simplify it down to just a couple words: it sucks. And believe me, I know many people have it worse and have gone through tougher things. Let's just get that out there at the beginning. This is not the worst thing anyone's ever experienced, not by a long shot. But it's where I am right now and it's tough. So maybe a little cathartic blogging will be beneficial.

There's something very isolating about infertility. Even if you know other women who have gone through it, somehow it still feels like you're the only one. It seems like every single girl I know is getting pregnant recently. I've had to seriously cut back on Facebook time because I found myself getting really depressed every time I signed on. My news feed was full of girl's announcing their pregnancies or giving updates, posting cute pictures of sonograms or their newborns. And it just hurt.

I do want to be really clear about one thing though: I am really really happy for my friends who are new parents and who are expecting. No I'm not just saying that. I am. It's sometimes hard to make people understand that I can hurt for me and be happy for someone else at the same time. I'm not jealous or angry at them and I don't begrudge them their joy. It's just a reminder of what I don't have and that can be painful.

Not only is it isolating because I feel like the only one who can't get pregnant, it's also easy to feel like no one understands what it's like. Which is true to some extent. No one else is me (duh) so no one else knows exactly what I'm feeling. And while I appreciate the kind words and the support we've gotten from friends and family, sometimes people just say the wrong thing (my favorite: "You just need to stop trying and it'll happen." Ummm ok. Thanks?). I don't fault them. My moods change and what I need changes and I don't expect everyone to know intuitively what I want them to say and do. Especially someone who has not experienced what I am. But as anyone who's ever gone through something painful knows, sometimes you just wish you had someone to understand you.

Loneliness was a serious issue, but some things have helped. One being online group I joined a while ago. It was something I'd though about, but I was afraid to do it. I didn't want to be in a mutual misery club. But a friend of Shannon's suggested one that is Christian-based and VERY encouraging. Of course there are a lot of girls venting about being down or dealing with some of the crummier aspects of infertility, but all the responses are encouragement and prayers and it's been good for me to be a part of that.

The other thing that has helped is a total God-thing. It's still kind of open-ended so I don't want to write too much. And it involves someone else whose story I don't want to tell without permission. But the short story is I randomly got back in touch with an old acquaintance who has been where I am. It's been a really encouraging friendship and I've been so grateful for it!

I'm not alone, and I know that. And I'm really grateful for my family and my friends. And my husband who has proven over and over these past few months that he is in fact awesome.

I feel better already. This catharsis must be working :)

Where I've Been

2010-08-02T16:16:00.002-04:00

I feel like it's so cliche to write a blog post with that title. Oh well.

I haven't been writing for two reasons, one of which being my new job. (yay!) In April I came across a listing for an unpaid internship at an adoption agency. I had applied to work at adoption agencies before with no luck and it's definitely a field I'm super interested in. I was hoping to find something paying a little more than 0 dollars, but since I wasn't doing anything and was crazy bored at home I thought I'd give it a whirl. I started at the end of April working 20 hours a week helping with administrative duties. Thankfully not boring administrative duties because the field itself is something interesting and they are always SUPER busy so there's plenty to do. Unlike my other administrative positions where I just sat there and listened to the sound of my backside growing. So I was enjoying the work and loving the part time schedule - plenty of time to get things done at home and have some of the down time I require to be sane. Not to mention the 10:00 start time that allowed me to sleep until 8:30. Which is a beautiful thing for so many reasons, but mostly because if I can sleep in later than Jamie we can go to bed at the same time and both be happy about it. So everything was working out nicely.

Except of course for the 0 dollar paycheck thing. That was less than ideal (although a good excuse to never get blamed for anything; no one expected the unpaid intern to take responsibility for anything).

Three weeks ago the director told me that our state audit for our accreditation was coming up and if I was willing to audit the files in preparation, she'd pay me on a contract basis. This was excellent news because the agency is a non profit and any new hires have to be approved by the (slightly tight-fisted) board. But the director has the freedom to pay contract employees at will without approval. In other words, I could start getting paid immediately whether they board liked it or not. Joy! So I added file audits to my to-do list. Last Friday I deposited my third paycheck and today I went to inquire about the cost of a gym membership. Happy Day!!

To sum up: Currently I'm doing something I love and getting paid for it. How lucky am I??

The other reason I took an extended break from blogging is not so happy happy joy joy and that is the last few months, apart from my new job, have been ROUGH. I'll write more about that soon, but basically it looks like this -

Jamie and I want a family. It ain't happening.

May and June - for a mess of reasons - were just rough months as far as the whole not-getting-pregnant thing goes and I was really really down. In the last several weeks I've really turned a corner and am feeling a lot better. Still bummy, but more able to compartmentalize and be happy about the good things in my life. But for a couple months there I was miserable and that kinda meant I didn't want to call anyone or see anyone. Or clean my house. Or cook dinner. Or exercise. Or write on this here blog. Which of course is cyclical - I feel bad, I don't want to be social, eat healthy or exercies, I feel worse. It's a crappy mess, man.

Anyway, this is much longer now than I wanted it to be so I should end it. But now you know where I've been. And more importantly, that I'm back.

The Spark!

2010-03-17T11:14:00.004-04:00

For anyone else trying to get in a little better shape, I have to suggest this website: www.sparkpeople.com

It's a totally free site where you can track your nutrition and fitness. I'm loving it! It's a little time-consuming at first to enter everything you're eating and all your activities, but it lets you save things you eat often to a short list so it gets much quicker as you go. It gives you the option to make your own workouts or have them create one for you. And when you input an activity you do and for how long, it tells you how many calories you've burned. Way cool. It tracks everything for daily goals as well as weekly. So you know if it happens to be a rainy cold Wednesday morning and you're still bruised and sore from your soccer game Tuesday night and are just bumming on the couch updating your blog with no intention of going to the park for a run (hypothetically speaking), you can take a day off. And still make sure at the end of the week, you've put in the time to burn enough calories cumulatively over 7 days.

But my favorite feature is the daily report. Each morning after I've entered in everything I plan to eat that day, I can look and see if I'm within my optimal range for calories, fat, protein and carbs. This is so helpful, because getting the right amount of those things can be difficult! It's tempting when trying to get healthy to cut out all fat and really reduce calories, but that's not good for your body. So it's great to be able to see if everything's balanced.

So far it's been really helpful when it comes to planning my meals and workouts and tracking them. And it's keeping me motivated! I highly recommend it!

Overheard

2010-03-16T11:08:00.001-04:00

Jamie: I really hope you get pregnant in the next couple months.

Tara: (awww it's so sweet that he's so excited to be a daddy!) Yeah, me too.

Jamie: Then we'd have a baby around Christmastime.

Tara: (awww he's thinking how much fun Christmas would be if we had our own little one to celebrate with) Yeah, that would be fun.

Jamie: That way we'd get a tax deduction next year.

I <3 my accountant husband! :)

Who IS This Guy and What Does He Want From Me??

2010-03-05T16:51:00.007-05:00

In my senior year my roommate Britt and I had this conversation roughly 4 dozen times -
Me: Guess who ____________ (fill in the blank with something totally unexpected like "Watched Dancing With the Stars with me last night?")
Britt: Who?
Me: Jamie Hotalen.
Britt: Really??
Me: Yeah. Maybe he does like me...?
The whole first semester of my senior year was littered with run-ins with Jamie that left me totally confused as to what kind of guy he really was and what he wanted out of our relationship. Here's a few examples:

The Soccer Field Heart-to-Heart:
Shortly after we got back to school, I went for a run on campus (with Chachi *sniff*)on a day we had a break from practice. The boys team also had the day off but when I got back to the gym lot where my car was parked, guess who was on the practice field kicking the ball around. Somehow we wound up talking. For a long time. About deep things like how we felt about it being our last year at TFC and what we hoped to do after graduation (for the record, I hoped to return to New Jersey and never leave again). At this point, I didn't think Jamie HAD a deep side. I didn't think he was capable of meaningful conversation. I thought a conversation with him would revolve around sports, movies and video games. It was surreal to actually be connecting with him. Of course when I got home I said to Britt - Guess who I just had a long heart-to-heart with about our dreams and goals. Britt: Who? Me: Jamie Hotalen! Britt: Really??

Again you'd think if a guy really liked a girl he'd continue to pursue her, build off a good long conversation. Nope. Didn't hear from him after that except for our usual passing in the gym hallway before practices. And I decided he really didn't have a deep side after all and that was just a random incident, not an indicator of Jamie's real personality.

Later in the soccer season, Gao Foua and I stayed after our practice to watch the boys practice. They were leaving the next day for playoffs in Florida, so this practice was our last chance to watch them play. At the end of practice they worked on PK's preparing for a tie-breaking shootout during playoffs. And someone suggested Jamie get in goal. And Gao Foua and I both laughed a little because Jamie is a forward, sometimes a midfielder, always a goal scorer, not a goalie. Except he was really good. And I remember thinking, "This guy really can do anything on the soccer field."

The Phone Calls:
In October, the boys team went to Florida for the regional playoff tournament. While he was there Jamie called me. Twice. Once after the first game to tell me they'd won and once before the last game so I could psych him up.
Me: Guess who called me from Florida to tell me how he did in his game.
Britt: Who?
Me: Jame Hotalen!
Britt: Really?
Me: Maybe he does like me...?

I didn't hear from him for a few days after he got back from Florida and then one day he invited me over to watch the video footage of their championship game (which they'd won). Remember the pk practice Gao Foua and I watched? Where Jamie played goalie? Well, as it turns out, the region championship game was tied after regulation, and still tied after overtime. So it was decided by penalty kicks. And guess who played keeper? It was really dramatic. In a PK tie-break the two teams alternate taking PKs, 5 per team. In this case, TFC made their first 4 shots, Southeastern made 3 and then Jamie stopped the 4th. Meaning that if TFC scored again they would win. And guess who was shooting the 5th PK? I wish I was better at describing this moment. Jamie stops the 4th Southeastern shot, takes off his keeper gloves, walks up to the PK spot and nails his shot. Goal. TFC wins.

Which brings us to our next what the?? moment: The Video
When the boys got home I was invited with a group of people over to Jamie's apartment to see the video of the PK shootout. When I walked in, Jamie was not in the living room and one of the guys yelled to him, "Jamie, Tara's here. Can we start it now?" Then he turned to me and said, "We weren't allowed to watch it until you got here." And I went, "What??" Maybe he does like me...?

Nationals in Orlando
While watching the boys final practice, Gao Foua and I decided that if they won regionals, we'd go watch them play in the national tournament which takes place in Orlando. Where Jamie's family lives. So I spent a weekend staying with Jamie's parents. This is when I really started to think maybe Jamie was not who I thought he was. If you've never met Jamie's family, there about as cool as a family could be without being Minters. I remember thinking after that weekend that nobody who was raised by those people could be as bad as I had previously thought Jamie was. During this weekend Jamie alternately ignored me completely and "flirted" with me in his subtle Jamie way. He lent me his sweatshirt when it got chilly one night and took me on a ride on his parents moped. He also sat next to me on his parents couch and watched "Deep Blue Sea" with me. Sounds pretty obvious, right? Well ok but during that movie he waited just until one particularly scary point where someone gets eaten by a shark, laughed at me for getting scared and then went to bed before the movie ended. He wasn't exactly flirtatious.

The last night I stayed in a hotel with the people I was riding home with and he came over to swim in the hotel pool with us. And then sent me a text message after he left to say good night and that he hoped I felt better (I had a cold).

And then we got home from Orlando and I didn't hear from him again for weeks. If he liked me and we just had a great time in Florida together why wasn't he calling me? Asking me out? What did this guy want??

The Ballet:
Then came my birthday. Which I decided to celebrate with my brother, my roomie/bff and their significant others. And Jamie. My mother-in-law says the moment she found out Jamie was spending his Friday night at the ballet she knew he had it bad. But to me he seemed happy to go and a little bit uncomfortable to be the only un-coupled pair there. Definitely not sending out the "I'm crazy about you" vibes.

Thanksgiving Break:
Over Thanksgiving while I was home in New Jersey, Jamie called a couple times. Not every night. Not even every other night. Just once while I was driving home to see how the drive was going and once during the break to say hey. And to have what turned into a very deep conversation that left me wondering - again - who this guy was. I told Kristy about it and she said, "I think you really like this guy. I think you like him but you don't want to because he lives too far away from home." So true. You see right through me, Kristy.

Christmas Formal:
I returned from Thanksgiving fully expecting Jamie to ask me to our school's Christmas formal. That's what a guy does when he likes a girl, right? Except he didn't. So we didn't go the formal but we spent the whole evening of the formal together and then met Britt and her then-boyfriend Adam at Adam's parents house for the weekend. We played cards and had a great time and at some point I mentioned how much I wanted to go to the Toccoa Symphony Orchestra Christmas show the next day. (HINT HINT). Which leade to...

Our First Date:
Before dropping me off after our weekend at Adam's, Jamie asked if he could take me to the Toccoa Symphony later that day. YES! Ok so it was several months later than I expected and I had to practically tell him to ask me, but he had FINALLY asked me out on a real date. I was convinced he really liked me then. We had a great time and he told me what instrument they use to tune the orchestra. And how he knows that from his time playing the clarient in middle school. My brain was going Wait..What?? You know something about music? And you played the CLARINET?? By the end of the night I was sure he liked me. And I liked him. Then the evening ended and he drove me home, didn't get out of the car, didn't walk me to the door and didn't call me again for quite some time. Perhaps that didn't go as well as I thought. So. Frustrating.

The Christmas Concert:
Every year right before Christmas break TFC's music department puts on a concert of Christmas music. It's a dressy affair and a lot of people from town come. The TFC dining hall serves a fancy meal beforehand with tablecloths and candles and all that jazz. Unfortunately, being off campus, we did not get to participate in that meal. So Britt and I along with a few friends and roommates planned our own Christmas dinner which I of course invited Jamie to. He did come to dinner but I could not talk him into coming to the concert with me. He did not want to get dressed up and sit in the TFC chapel all evening. Even if it was an opportunity to hang out with me. And I began to think he must really not be interested in me after all. After all, he did go to the ballet for me. Why not this event.

And then came the mother of them all...

The Story Continues

2010-03-03T11:32:00.002-05:00

Jamie says his leg was not actually shattered. I've seen the x-rays, though and there were 3 distinct pieces of leg bone. I'm sticking by my use of the word shattered.

At any rate, it happened at Atlanta Christian College on a day that both the girls and boys teams had games back to back. After our game, all of us girls had gotten showered and dressed and were watching the boys play. Jamie had the ball at about midfield when an ACC player trid to knock it away from him. Unfortunately for Jamie's tibia, he completely missed the ball and connected solidly with Jamie's shin. Jamie said at first it just felt like any hard shot to the shin, but then the pain just kept getting worse and worse as he lay on the field. There may or may not have been some choice words uttered. After determining that there was definitely something pretty seriously wrong with Jamie's leg, his coach and the ACC trainer got him off the field and situated on the sidelines because why rush to the hospital? If his leg was broken then, it would still be broken when the game was over, right?

Jamie watched the rest of the game and the decision was made to bring him back with the rest of us on the bus and have his leg treated back at Toccoa. Stephen's County Hospital is directly next to TFC and his grandparents lived nearby and would be able to come pick him up.

And that decision was a pretty fateful one for he and I.

I had a lot of homework to get done that night. I can't remember if it was reading or studying for a test or what, but I know I needed to concentrate. So I sat in the front of the bus where I wouldn't be bothered. However, Jamie and his broken leg couldn't exactly sit in a conventional bus seat, so he was laid on the floor with his leg propped up on equipment bags. And his head laying on the ground right next to my seat. How is a girl supposed to study when a boy with a broken leg is lying right next to her chair all teary-eyed from the pain and sudden, tragic ending to his junior season? So I started talking to him.

I don't remember everything that was said, but I remember two things pretty clearly:
1) I know I told him his senior season was going to be his best year ever. He'd be so bored of sitting around with a cast on his leg that he'd work extra hard once he could run and play again. He'd spend all summer getting back in shape and come back next fall better than he'd been before the broken leg. I was totally right.

2) At one point, Jamie looked up at me in a pain-induced fog and said, "You look like an angel." It wasn't exactly flirtatious. I had a reading light on above my head, and when not blow dried, my hair tends to frizz out around my face. From Jamie's vantage point on the floor, my little frizzies were being illuminated from behind and giving me a lovely halo. Jamie was just stating a fact. Still, it was pretty funny and I like to tease him about it.

Now if you know a little bit about our story and are any good at math you can figure out that about 15 months passed between the broken leg and fateful bus ride and the actual start to our dating relationship. Here's what happened in between that time:

The bus ride was enough to make Jamie think, "That Tara chick is kinda cool," but it was not enough to change my opinion of him. So much so that when Jamie approached me after one of my games and asked if I'd want to come over to his grandparents (where he was staying until he could get around on his own) and watch a movie sometime, I said sure but was thinking "Uh, no." Because I thought he was the kind of guy who would ask a girl to "watch a movie" when he was thinking something more along the lines of "make out on the couch". And I was not that kind of girl. (Here is a good place to point out the fact that Jamie had injured his hand in another game shortly before breaking his leg. When at the hospital getting x-rays on his leg, he asked if they'd mind taking a look at his hand, too. It was broken as well. I was afraid a guy on crutches with with one cast from mid-foot to mid-thigh and another one on his arm was going to put the moves on me. Jamie still finds that hilarious. This is also a good time to mention that Jamie and I were dating for 5 months before he ever even kissed me. I may have misjudged him.) I did say I would call him if I ever had a chance to come by. His name is still in my phone as "Jamie Hotalen" from that day even though I've changed phones and he's changed phone numbers.

About this time our friend Gao Foua got involved. She knew Jamie had a thing for me and thought we would be perfect together. I distinctly remember a conversation I had with her in the gym during intramural basketball -
Gao Foua: "You and Jamie would be so cute together. Would you ever consider dating him?"
Me: "I don't really see him as the type of guy I'd date seriously. He'd be fun to go on a few dates with if I was just looking to have fun, but I could never be in a serious relationship with him."

Never. I actually said I could never be in a serious relationship with him. Clearly I knew myself (and Jamie) SO well!

In the interest of full disclosure, I had just gotten out of a serious relationship a few months before The Bus Ride and was kinda interested in a guy I'd worked with over the summer. So really, between my impression of Jamie as some kind of rebellious bad boy, my recent break-up, and my interest in someone else, a relationship with Jamie was just not something I was into pursuing then.

And Jamie? Well, he is the definition of a slow-mover. Remember the post I wrote about how long he shopped around for our house? And his Camry? He does not make snap decision. And he was not going to rush into anything with me. Especially when I was giving him no reason to think I was interested. The idea of us as a couple was going to need several months to marinate before it ever became reality.

For Posterity's Sake

2010-02-16T14:57:00.002-05:00

All of you who read this blog pretty much know how Jamie and I met, but I thought it would be fun to record it for my own memory. And who doesn't enjoy reading a good love story, right?

Seeing as how there are only a few hundred students at Toccoa and Jamie and I were both playing soccer, it would have been impossible for our paths not have crossed. But initially, (like for the first 3 years we knew each other) there was no romantic interest.

That being said, our first impressions of each other were pretty good. Now I have no idea why, but despite the fact that I usually have a rather unimpressive memory, my first memory of Jamie is very clear - down to what I was wearing the first time I noticed him. Somehow my little heart must've sensed that this moment would be important sometime in the future.

He was, not surprisingly, on the soccer field. I had been asked to run the sidelines that day for the boys' preseason scrimmage and wasn't yet privy to the knowledge that there were paid athletic employees who should've been doing that job (my application to work for the athletic department was later turned down, the injustice). So I was on the sidelines, in my UMBC blue mesh shorts that I borrowed from Lauren Conova the previous year for gym and never returned. At some point early on in the game I overheard someone say that Jamie Hotalen is really good. And mentally I agreed with them and also assumed that he must be a returning player. It was like 8 seconds into the game. How could they possibly have known how good he was if he wasn't a returning player? At that point I was unaware of the Hotalen dynasty at Toccoa and the fact that Jamie had been visiting TFC since birth and had played many, many pick-up games with the guys on the TFC team. I didn't figure out Jamie was in the same class as me until our junior year.

For the next two years, my thoughts of Jamie never went beyond "He's a really good soccer player." In fact, my mother-in-law remembers meeting me at a game in Clearwater, Florida. I said something along the lines of, "You're Jamie's mom? He's my soccer idol." I thought he was a really good soccer player. And a snob. And that he thought he was too cool for Toccoa. I hated that attitude - why would you come to a Christian school if you think you're too cool to obey the rules you knew existed when you choose to come here? Why come to a Christian school and then complain about having to abide by a dress code and attend chapel? It's obnoxious. Never mind that Jamie never actually felt that way. I thought he did, so I wasn't interested at all in him. Oh and at that point, Jamie and I both had significant others and were not exactly on the market.

Jamie also remembers the first time he saw me. And again, not surprisingly, it involved soccer. The girls' team was doing one of our early morning runs as was the guys' team. At some point we passed each other (at the intersection of the main road into campus and the road that goes down to the soccer field right by the Flood Plain, in case you were wondering). He saw me and thought, "She's pretty." I've never asked him for more details. For all I know he was checking out all the girls as they ran by him and mentally ranking us. But whatever he thought I was pretty :) That's enough for me.

So for the first two years at Toccoa, I disliked Jamie and he didn't waste any time thinking about me at all. Ah, the romance. Can you even stand it?

And then Jamie's shattered Tibia changed all that.

Jonah's EB Auction

2010-02-10T11:41:00.002-05:00

For several months now I've been following the blog of this family. Patrice and Matt are a sweet young couple from North Carolina who have two sons, Gabe and Jonah. Though we've never met, I've been touched by their story. Both of their boys have the genetic disease Epidermolysis Bullosa. EB causes the skin to blister at the slightest friction and then slough off leaving painful open wounds. EB babies are at a high risk for infection and other complications due to external and internal blistering and wounds. Because of EB, their first son, Gabe, was stillborn at 37 weeks. Jonah is nearly a year old and has battled EB his whole life. Every day his parents wrap him in a protective layer of gauze to protect his skin. EB is a very difficult disease and as of right now, there is no cure for it.

The organization DebRA raises money for research and provides assistance to families with EB children. At the end of this month, a friend of the Williams is hosting an online auction to celebrate Jonah's 1st birthday. All you have to do to enter to win an item is visit Jonah's EB Auction Website and leave your bid in a comment anytime between 12:01am EST on February 23 until 11:59pm on February 27. Because all the aution items were donated, every dollar raised will go straight to DebRA. The auction items range from jewelry to gift cards from some great stores and restaurants. So go on over sometime between February 23rd and 27th and see if there's anything you'd like to bid on.

Also, for passing this information along, you're entered into a drawing for a Target gift card. If you'd like to write your own post about Jonah's EB Auction, visit the auction website and follow the instructions to link your post and be entered to win.

Resolutions: Month Two

2010-01-21T12:38:00.005-05:00

January's now over so it's time to look at how I'm doing and what successes and failures I had in this first month of 2010. And it's time to get started on my February goals. So let's see how I've done so far and what's in store this month :

Resolution #1 - Get Healthier.

I've kept my commitment to walk the dog 5 times a week even on the REALLY cold days, however I did skip one day when it was pouring rain. Who wants to walk in that? I've since come up with a good substitute of playing chase with Kona for 15 minutes on yucky days. That way we still both get some exercise. Cutting out soda has not been a problem. I drink sweet tea or lemonade if we're out, but mostly I have water. I think there was one time I was really craving a Coke (in the literal sense, not the southern anything-that-fizzes defintion of Coke). But it was no big deal to have something else. One night at Moe's the lemonade dispenser was broken and I didn't want caffeinated tea, so I had root beer. But once in 31 days is not so bad.

This month, in addition to not drinking soda, I'm going to start drinking more water. Now, I know they've changed their minds about the whole 8 glasses of water a day thing, but I know I feel better if I drink more water. And when I'm trying to get a certain amount of water in me, it's hard to have room for juice, soda or tea so it cuts down my sugar intake.

I'm also bumping my walking distance up to two miles and looking for a good stretching routine. Because when it comes to flexibility, I have none. So I thought I'd feel better if I started stretching every day and increasing my flexibility before I stepped up my workouts to anything that might make me sore.

Resolution #2 - Get Organized

I made my cleaning checklist and have been editing and revising it ever since. But I love it. I don't make myself do everything every day, but I do most things most days so I stay on top of things and our house is generally neater. And I feel like I'm providing a more relaxing environment for Jamie to come home to after long work days. I've also had no problem cutting out TV. I just don't turn it on, making it very easy not to watch it.

For the month of February, my goals are to continue with my cleaning checklist and to paint our hall bathroom which we're hoping to redecorate soon (and if I'm lucky, we'll be getting the floor retiled, but don't hold your breath).

Resolution #3 - Get Connected

Well this is perhaps my biggest under acheivment. I've made the birthday list as planned. However, 3 birthdays have now passed and I have 3 more in the next two days and I've sent exactly 0 cards. I have an excuse for one of those, as I'm going to be seeing the birthday boy this weekend ( hi Grandpa!) and wanted to give him his card then. The other 5, my only excuse is laziness. So if your birthday has passed recently and you haven't gotten a card from me, I swear it's coming! Soon. I hope. My other goal for the month of January was top secret and involved only my mom and sisters. And girls, you'll be getting an email soon. :) Oh and joining the small group. That's done.

For February, I'm going to start using email to stay more connected. I have an aversion to the phone and so outside of my mom and sister I don't talk to too many people on the phone. But I still need to stay connected and I'm always on the computer so my goal for this month is to start sending more emails to those I'm far away from.

And so begins 2010 Resolutions, part 2 of 12.

Work in Progress

2010-01-07T16:59:00.006-05:00

One of my January goals under my "Get Organized" resolution was to create a cleaning schedule; one that could be printed, looked at often, kept up with and adjusted as needed. So here she is:

(click to view larger; if you actually care to see larger)

I'm sure there's a lot of room for improvement; things this relatively young housewife has neglected. You'll notice there's nothing in the "Annually" section, even though I know there are things that I should attend to on a yearly basis. Please, please offer suggestions as to things that should be added that I may have overlooked. I feel there's more that I'm forgetting, but my mind is tired of thinking about it!

Makeover

2010-01-06T13:35:00.002-05:00

You like? I added a button to my sidebar if you're interested in checking out this super talented lady's site and all her cute backgrounds.

Also, please check out Shannon's blog (Our Growing Family) to see all the changes she's made. If only because it just took me 3 days to get my blog list updated to include hers at her new address. And I must feel that it was worth it.

Journeys and Destinations (Part 1)

2010-01-04T18:25:00.007-05:00

The destination is what gives a journey its meaning. As someone who has made the trip between Georgia and New Jersey countless times, I think I can say that with confidence. Sure sometimes the trip is fun, but let's be honest - we wouldn't be in the car in the first place if it weren't for the destination. And when the trip is not fun (think 4 hours on I-95 south of DC going 15 miles an hour), it's the destination that makes it worth continuing.

If you don't know where you're going, you can't plan the trip. You need to know where you're going to know how long it's going to take, what you should pack, if you need to book a hotel room. And plane tickets would be really hard to buy if you didn't know where you were headed. Just try searching Expedia for flights from your local airport to nowhere in particular. You won't get any results.

The destination changes everything. The destination, really, defines the trip.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It's changed how I went about making New Year's resolutions this year. I love New Year's resolutions. I love to think that on December 31st at midnight my whole life becomes a blank slate again. Even though it doesn't. Even though I'm still the same person with all the same strengths and faults on January 1st as I was 24 hours earlier. There's just something promising about a brand new untarnished year. And so I usually make a resolution or two. Or ten. Thinking that I'm really going to change everything in the upcoming year and finally be who I want to be. It doesn't really happen. Yesterday I found my resolution list for 2009. I'd kept exactly 0 of them.

So this year, I decided to look at it a little differently. This year, I'm taking a trip. And so instead of just trying to say what I'll DO in 2010, I've really thought about who I want to BE by the end of the year. And I came up with three broad goals:
1. To get healthy (isn't that on everyone's resolution list?)
2. To get organized
3. To get connected

Now that I have these broad goals to know where I want to be, I can start planning the trip. With three broad goals in place, I started marking the stops along the journey with tasks for each month. For example - under my goal to get healthy - in January, I will walk 1 mile 5 times a week with Kona, cut out soda from my diet and start taking my vitamins every day. Very doable, right? My organizational goal for January - to create and start following a cleaning schedule and cut out daytime TV. Not too tough. And for getting connected? Make a list of family and friend birthdays and buy cards; and join a church small group (cheater alert - I already had that lined up before January 1st; it was a gimme).

Each month of my year has a different task within my 3 big goals. I'm gradually upping my workouts, adjusting my diet, organizing my home and schedule, and becoming more intentional in my relationships. I'm giving myself time to travel. I'm focusing on where I want to be instead of just what I want to do. And as Bob says, "I'm baby steppin! I'm doing the work!" I'll keep you updated at the end of each month to let you know how I'm doing.

Stay tuned for Part 2 :)

Quarantined

2009-11-14T22:16:00.004-05:00

I'd like to apologize in advance to anyone who reads this.

If you read Shannon's blog, you may have seen my comment about the wonderful morning I had on Wednesday. If you don't read Shannon's blog, here's a recap:

I woke up and looked out the kitchen windows into my neighbor's backyard. This was a problem, because there should've been a fence between our windows and the neighbor's backyard. Apparently two very rainy days followed by a super windy night had done some damage to our already tattered fence. Four entire sections had fallen into the neighbor's yard and a couple of the post were not exactly vertical. As I picked up my phone to call Jamie and tell him about this unfortunate development, I glanced over at Kona still in his crate. He'd had a bit of a stomach thing going on and had thrown up Monday evening and again overnight in his crate. So when I saw something on his pillow I assumed he had tossed his cookies again. Oh if only he had just tossed his cookies...

When I opened the crate, he came running out rather frantically and I realized the something on his pillow was ALL OVER - he was covered in it, the crate was covered in it...the floor around the crate and the wall behind the crate...it was horrendous. And it. Smelled. Horrible.

Here is where I make mistake number one, both chronologically and in severity of the error - I ignored the fact that he was standing right near the back door, and chased him into the bathroom. The problem with this approach was that el poocho was leaving a wake of diarrhea every where he went - walls, floors, furniture...nothing was safe. In retrospect, I should have put him out back and hosed him down, but it was cold out and there was the fallen fence to consider. Here's a riddle: what's worse than waking up to find your neighbor's dog on your back patio? Finding your neighbor's DIARRHEA COVERED dog on your back patio. We're not super close with our neighbors. I don't think that would've strengthened the relationship.

Anyway...into the bathroom we went and Kona got the most thorough bath he'd ever gotten. And I gagged approximately 723,295,774 times. Do yourself a favor and try not to imagine the state of my clothing following this bath. It wasn't pretty.

After changing into something slightly less poo-covered, I dragged Kona's crate, pillow and blanket outside to hose down. This actually would've been the easiest part of the clean-up if it were't for the run-in my ankle had with the concrete on our patio. It's a nice sized cut, and it still hurts. Meanwhile, Kona is locked in the bathroom drying off and blessing the floor with fresh gifts from his lower intestine.

Thankfully at that point I had an epiphany - the tie-out! We'd bought it and never used it. I don't even remember why. So Kona went outside, tied to one of the fence posts that was still standing while I scrubbed the floors, walls and furniture in my entire house. The places I found diarrhea....this is the stuff nightmares are made of.

At that point, Kona was shaking violently outside because it was rather chilly and he was rather wet, so I threw his now-hosed off bed things in the washer (cycles: rinse, wash, rinse, wash, rinse...just trying to balance out all those who conserve water) and brought him inside, still on the tie-out, tethered to the back door. He may come in, but he may not come near me or my carpet until he recovers.

And that leads us to the quarantine. For the past few days, this has been the pathetic outcast pooch in my sunroom:

Sad, no? But it took 24 hours with no food and 48 eating nothing but white rice before the stomach bug started to show signs of leaving. He's still on a bland diet and still tethered to my back door, but hopefully tomorrow he'll get a good bath and be loosed, free to roam the house at his leisure once more.

But not the backyard, because the fence still has a ways to go before it's pronounced healed.

The Pantry

2009-11-11T15:07:00.002-05:00

I’m in an interesting season of my life right now; one that I never imagined myself in. I always thought I’d be a stay-at-home mom if at all possible, so I didn’t foresee myself being a career woman. But I’d always assumed I’d work until I entered mommyhood. Being a full-time housewife without kids at home isn’t something I expected. I try to be very careful not to complain too much because I know how good I have it – most of my friends work and would give anything for a day just to sleep in and watch Gilmore Girls. And so many families do not have the option of being a one-income household. Especially a one-income household that lives in a great house and can still afford to do things like travel and go out with friends. So I’m well aware of how blessed I am.

But blessed is not the same as fulfilled. And while I’m grateful, a sense of fulfillment has been hard for me to find.

It’s not that I don’t have things to give my time and attention to. I’m a wife, a homeowner, a middle school volunteer at church, a friend, daughter, sister…all things that I can give my time and attention to. And there are a lot of opportunities that I now have the time to pursue: going back to school, becoming a CASA, volunteering, scrapbooking, home improvement projects, getting in better shape, etc., etc. It’s just that I’m having a hard time not being where I thought I’d be and embracing all these opportunities. I tend to spend more time wishing things were different.

I gave this analogy to Jamie the other day: you know when you’re hungry and you have something very specific in mind that you want to eat? Like maybe chocolate. If you go into the kitchen and all the chocolate is gone you feel like there’s nothing to eat, even though your fridge might be full of delicious, nutritional things. And you might eat something just because it’s there but it doesn’t satisfy. It’s not what your tummy is really wanting. And, if you’re like me you start whining that there’s nothing to eat despite that fact that actually there are a lot of options.

My hypothetical pantry is very full right now. But I still find myself whining that there’s nothing to eat. I want some chocolate and everything looks like celery to me. And I’m sure my attitude is as obnoxious to God as it was to my mom when I was living at home.

I’m trying. Really I am. Jamie – who gets to hear all my whining - might disagree. There will come a time in the future where I will look back longingly at this time in my life. I know there will. I need to figure out how to appreciate this season and embrace its blessings before it ends. And I have bigger things to schedule my day around than my regular 11:00 date with Lorelai and Rory Gilmore.

Hilarity

2009-09-22T15:43:00.006-04:00

I know, I know, I haven't written a real post in forever. It's just because nothing is happening. I'm not working, I stay home with Kona all day and it's less than thrilling. Biggest recent happening - I went to lock-in for the middle school girls at our church. We were expecting 60 or so girls and wound up with 140. There were 5 adults who stayed over night. That's a crazy ratio. But I loved it! I hope the girls had as much fun as I did!!

Anyway, my apologies for not writing anything of note, but I just had to share this because it's too funny. Enjoy!! (P.S. Do yourself a favor and hit pause at the end of the video or you'll have to endure a commercial).

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Good, Better, Best!

2009-07-30T08:50:00.000-04:00

GOOD...

This past week since my last update has had its highs and lows. I had gotten down to 142, but seemed kinda stuck there. Three more pounds and I could be in the 30's. Three more pounds!! So I thought I'd crack down this week. Phase 2 of the 3-part workout started Tuesday so I figured I would make sure to really eat healthily and knock out those three pounds. Unfortunately, it became hormonally necessary for me to consume copious amounts of chocolate. The routine for the last few days has been, wake up, eat a healthy breakfast, eat a healthy lunch, steal a chocolate from Jamie's birthday stash, eat a healthy snack, eat a healthy dinner....and then fall apart completely and eat whatever sweets I can access. I am a weak, weak woman. I also skipped my morning workout for the first time on Tuesday. But it worked out ok. I usually plan to take a 30 minute nap right after work to give me some energy for the evening (ah the bliss of being young and childless). Tuesday I slept 30 minutes later and worked out when I got home. So I got more sleep in the morning and worked out after work instead of my usual schedule. It's all good.

I skipped again today, completely accidentally. I woke up to an alarm that didn't quite sound like mine and realized it was Jamie's. I'd completely forgotten to set mine and overslept. It was kind of blissful. And I hit it hard yesterday - ate healthy, worked out in the morning, power walked after work - so I wasn't too concerned about a morning off. Plus, phase 2 is HARD! Anyway, when I did drag myself out of bed and over to the bathroom scale, I found...wait for it...I'm officially in the 130's!! Woot woot!! If my scale had decimals (which it doesn't because it's one of those crappy ones with the wheel thing instead of a digital read-out), it would probably say 139.7, but I was definitely below the 140 line. Woo hoo!!

BETTER...

A couple months ago I bought a pair of pants at Banana Republic that were a little bit too tight. They were on clearance, I loved them and they didn't have the next size up. And I wanted to lose weight anyway (I know, you shouldn't buy clothes that don't fit because you plan on fitting into them soon and all but I liked them). I'm wearing them today. And they fit beautifully! Mazel tov!!

BEST...

MOMREKA!! (that's "mom found it" for those of you who don't speak, um, whatever that is). In December, while at my parents' house for Christmas, I did a load of laundry and stupidly left my wedding rings in the pocket of a sweatshirt I washed. When the load was done, the wedding band was there, but the engagement ring was no where to be found. My whole family searched high and low. We checked the washing machine trap, we searched through the laundry, we tore my room apart, we checked the trap again, we looked in the trash cans and in all the nooks and crannies of the house, we checked the trap a third time...no where. It was gone. In January, my dad once again checked the trap. Still not there. I was sure it had been washed out to sea and I shed many tears for it.

But, lo and behold, my mom randomly checked the trap again yesterday and THERE IT WAS!! In all its sparkly cleaness! Perhaps a bit misshapen (though I haven't seen it yet, so that might just be from my finger), but shiny and waiting to be reunited with its partner on my left hand again. I could not have gotten any better news! I can't wait to have it back on my finger and look married again!

Challenge, Extended...

2009-07-22T21:29:00.002-04:00

Well, Shannon's and my post on our less-than-perfect silhouettes has led my mom to extend a family challenge: $10 a person to enter and whoever has lost the most weight by our trip to Wisconsin gets the pot.

Challenge, accepted...

Me and Shannon jumped on board and all three of us ladies brought our husbands into it, too, though I don't know if George and Dad are truly enthusiastic about this competition or if, like Jamie, they don't even know their wife has committed them to it (hey if I win there's an extra $10 in the pot for me!).

Here's where I stand right now (though I loathe to publish this on the internet): I weigh 147 pounds - or did when I started - and hate the way I look in a bathing suit. I am 25, I've had no babies, I have no excuse. Never mind, hold on, I work at a desk job. 8 hours a day of sitting. All. Day. Long. It makes my hips wider just thinking about it. Secretary spread much? Yes, I think so. So there's my excuse. I feel justified.

Here's my goals: Ideally, I would like to get under 135 pounds. That's a 13 pound weight loss. If I can get under 140, I'll be happy. Under 135, totally content. And anywhere in the 132 and under range would have me purely ecstatic. More importantly, Jamie and I are hoping to spend Labor Day weekend in Hilton Head. I do not plan on leaving the beach while the sun's up. Just me, a good book, and the sand and waves from sunup to sundown. And I want to go on that beach vacation with any bathing suit I choose and feel good about. Not look like I'm ready to walk the Victoria's Secret runway (though I'll take that!!), just be secure and confident with how I look.

And most importantly, I want to be healthy and strong so that Jamie and I can start planning a family, and I can feel confident going in that I've done everything in my power to prepare my body for a healthy pregnancy - for both me and (hopefully) the future little one.

The Plan: I've bought a book and a DVD to help me eat healthier and work out consistently. I've started a calorie tracking notebook to make sure I consume the right amount of the right kinds of food. Every morning I get up and do my dvd workout and in the evenings, I just make sure to do something active, even if it's a leisurely walk with Jamie. The tendency for us is to get home at 5:30 and veg out until bed. I also keep track of how much water I drink and try to get to bed on time, two small things that are supposed to make me feel better and lose weight. And lastly, I've cut caffeine out completely. Oh how I miss it...

The hardest part so far has been the meals. I actually like them. But I LOVE carbs. I want bread with every meal and pasta at least once a week and a bowl of cereal once or twice a day - usually big ones. I miss these things, but I'm enjoying the fish, chicken and eggs that have mostly made up my meals so far. The workout's not so bad but I do find my muscles are sore and/or weak the rest of the day, which stinks. Just me getting stronger!! Or something like that.

So far, so good because I'm down 3 pounds and it's only day 5. I've consistently kept my calories within the recommended limit and I've consumed a full lake's worth of water! I do miss my morning caffeine, but I think I'm sleeping better without consuming any.

Can I make it 25 more days and reach my goals? I don't know, but I'm feeling good so far. Weak and sore, but good. And it's always good to have a little healthy competition to inspire me! So Mom, Shannon - BRING IT ON!!

Flabby Fat and Lazy!!

2009-07-15T11:59:00.003-04:00

Ok so I'm going to piggyback off of my sister's post here and say it's officially time for the Hotalens to start getting back in shape. Question: What happens when you take two college soccer players, throw 'em off the field, get 'em hitched, and plop them into desk jobs? Answer: they gain 20 pounds and painfully pasty skin. So that's where we are - two former athletes who still want to eat like we're running 4 miles a day or so and are suffering the consequences.

We're not so thrilled with our less-than-toned selves (and I have no pregnancies to blame it on, unlike my sister) so it's time to do something about it. Jamie and I started a Biggest Loser challenge a month or so ago thinking we could both lose 15-20 pounds by eating healthier and adding some exercise into our routines. Unfortunately, taking a short jog in the morning and walking each evening and counting calories has resulted in both of us losing about 2 pounds in the past 4 or 5 weeks. Not exactly what we were hoping for. So it's time to kick it into high gear! Tonight I'm hitting Wal-Mart and finding me some books/dvds to make the next 30 days get skinny days! I'll let you know what I find and, 30 days from now, how it worked for us.

Family, when you see Jamie and I in Wisconsin in August, hopefully there will be a lot less of us to see!!

My goal is to get to a weight BEFORE we have kids that I'll want to get back to AFTER we have kids!! I don't want to start working out after my first baby is born saying, "Well if I could just lose the baby weight PLUS that 15 pounds I never lost before getting pregnant, I'll be happy!"

In the coming weeks, look for a thrilling post called, "Body Image: Why are we NEVER Satisfied?" HAHA

Hello Skinny Hotalens. You are greatly missed. Please come back.

Trashpicking! Wheeeee!!!

2009-06-14T21:15:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Jamie and I went for a walk and saw this:

on our neighbor's lawn with a sign that read "$75". Today when I was walking Kona, I saw the sign had been changed to "Free". Much more in our price range. So we snatched it up. Along with this:

And this:

And of course this:

Which I have been having a great time with, sticking it in random places for Jamie to find.

Three cheers for furnishing your home with your neighbor's castoffs!!

Uncle Jamie's Video

2009-06-10T12:22:00.005-04:00

Rebecca's video reminded me of this beauty I had wanted to share with everyone. Christin so generously allowed me to make this for Uncle Jamie when he wasn't with us in New Jersey. Please notice how she gets distracted watching her own reflection in the TV. How hilarious is this child?

I apologize for cutting it off at the end. I really wasn't sure if it was ever going to end...

To give credit where credit's due - song and choreography by Christin herself.

Two Years Better

2009-06-06T20:14:00.008-04:00

Jamie and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary on Tuesday. Since it was the middle of the week, we took it easy with dinner and a movie at home and saved the real celebration for today.

It was a pretty perfect day. We slept in and then headed out to the Chattahootchee for some tubing. We spent a good two hours on the river and decided it's a great place for floating. There's a couple quick spots, one class 2 "rapid" (where Jamie's tube got completely full of water), and lots of deep areas to swim (when the water's not 50 degrees, which it was today). And listen to this brillance: the tube rental place uses tubes that are solid on the bottom. No tushy scrapping the rocks, no wet rear end, and we could toss our shoes and stuff in the tube with us without worrying about losing them. I couldn't, however, bring my camera without worrying about it getting wet so you'll just have to imagine what it was like. We had such a nice time, we're considering buying our own tubes and going several times this summer.

Part II of our day was dinner out. So we went home, washed the river stink off and headed to Carrabba's for some grub. We decided since it was a special occasion (and since we had a gift card with $60 left on it) to do it up big. So we had an appetizer, some sangria and dessert. Yes, Jamie paid for dessert in a restaurant. Can you believe it? The boy gets pretty reckless every once in a while. It was delicious, we left completely stuffed, and I know exactly what I'm having for lunch tomorrow. That chicken bryan is the bomb.

We took some pictures when we got home (because for some reason we both feel weird taking pictures of ourselves in public and we hate asking strangers to do it).

First Jamie had to check out how his grass is doing. He really wants to kill the crabgrass and get the yard looking good again, so he's been treating it with crabgrass killer and fertilizer. It's getting there. Don't ask us about the backyard though...

Then he closed his eyes...

Then he closed his eyes...

Then he finally got one with his eyes open!!

Ah yes a good one!

What a cute little old married couple we make :)

Not to get too mushy on you, but I really think our marriage has just gotten better over the last year. We've worked out some of the kinks of adjusting to married life and really just work so well together now. I would not have guessed a year ago that we'd be working in the same office and really enjoying being together so much!! But I just love being around him. He makes me laugh and still gives me butterflies all the time :) Here's to two great years together and many more to come!

A Little Visitor

2009-05-30T20:30:00.010-04:00

I found this little guy in our backyard when I took Kona out this evening (after getting home from a date which included dinner at Stevi B's - with a coupon - and a movie at the dollar theater; total price - $16.68. Now that's a Hotalen date!).

He didn't look too happy with us. He just sat and stared at us staring at him.

Kona was surprisingly uninterested. He's a sweet dog. Not a smart one.

Don't you just want to take him home and make him your fluffy little birdy pet?

I think his name should be Pierre. He looks French to me.

Maybe it's the aloofness.

Jack's Memorial Service

2009-05-21T10:54:00.004-04:00

The service for Jack was last night. Everything went well and it was really a very nice time of celebrating his short life. So many friends and family came out to support Shannon and George and we all really appreciated the outpouring of love. Several members of the family shared testimonies. Here's the text of what I was able to share:

"When my I first heard that Jack was sick and might not make it, my first response was sadness followed quickly by anger. Where was God? Why was He allowing this to happen? But over the two weeks we got to share with him, my heart changed.

When we first got to CHOP two days after Jack’s birth, I expected my sister, who is so crazy about her kids, to be devastated. And she was. But she was also drawing so much strength from her faith in God. I watched her and George over those two weeks exemplify what it means to really, truly trust God. I know their hearts were breaking at the thought of losing Jack, but over and over again I heard them say that they KNEW God was able to heal him and they KNEW His will for Jack was perfect. No matter how much they wanted Jack to stay here with us, they trusted that whatever happened God was still good, still in control and still the perfect, loving God they believed him to be before Jack got sick.

I also watched their beautiful example of love for each other. All marriages go through tough times, but I can’t imagine anything tougher than this. And Shannon and George allowed all of those around them to see what real love looks like. I watched them support each other, pray for each other, comfort each other. I watched each allow the other to cry when they needed to, laugh when they wanted to and grieve in their own way.

And I watched hundreds of people – many who have never even met Shannon, George or Baby Jack – pull together to pray for him, faithfully for two weeks. I saw close friends and strangers touched by Jack’s story and his parents example of faith.

Shannon – as my big sister, you have always been my idol. But never more than now. Thank you for showing me such a perfect example of faith; of what it really means to trust God in every circumstance. Even when we don’t understand His plans.

Shannon and George – thank you for your example of true love. Thank you for allowing us to learn by watching you. Thank you for showing Jamie and I what a Godly marriage looks like even in the toughest of circumstances.

And Jack – thank you for the two weeks you spent with us. Thank you for allowing God to use your short life to draw many of us, including me, closer to Him. I will miss you little buddy, but I so look forward to the day we can worship our Savior together.

I still don’t know why God allowed this to happen. But I can still trust Him. And I’m no longer asking where He is. He’s right here and has been all along. And though I’m heartbroken over Jack’s death, I know God is still in control and He is good. No matter what happens, He is still good."

Remembering Baby Jack

2009-05-15T11:51:00.004-04:00

Memorial services for Jack will be held Wednesday May 20th at Laurel Hill Bible Church, 1260 Blackwood Clementon Rd. Clementon, NJ. The service will start at 7:00 PM and you may arrive at 6:00 PM if you wish to visit with the family beforehand. There will also be refreshments served in the church fellowship center following the service.

Shannon and George would like anyone who would like to share how Jack has touched their lives to write down their thoughts and email them to us. These will be displayed in the welcome center of the church on Wednesday night. You may email George and Shannon directly, send a message to my mom's Facebook inbox with the subject "Memorial Service", or leave a comment here. Just be sure to let me know you want it shared at the service.

We are all so thankful for your kind words and prayers over the past couple of days. I wanted to let you know that Shannon and George have suggested that anyone who wants to honor Jack's memory could send a donation to Compassion International or consider sponsoring a child. There is a button now on my sidebar to take you directly to Compassion's website.

People have asked about meals and their financial needs. They have requested that instead of prepared meals, gift cards to grocery stores or restaurants would be more useful at this time.

Thank you again for all your love, support and prayers!

With Hope

2009-05-14T11:32:00.001-04:00

Our Baby Jack is home with Jesus.